Tag Archives: single parent

What If…..

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life lessons from the movie Frozen

6yr old Raine has been saying, “I’m never getting married!” IMG_20140609_170922

Recently I decided to ask her why – after explaining how wonderful the institution is.

“What if I marry someone who tries to kill me?” she inquired. What if……consumes Raine’s thoughts most of the day. There are so many things she’s curious about.

“You won’t marry someone who tries to kill you,” I assured.

“Anna did on Frozen.”

“Yes, but you won’t.”

A lengthy conversation ensued. By the end, Raine was satisfied that she won’t marry someone who tries to kill her.

“But I’m still not getting married!” she declared.

However, there have been a number of weddings recently involving her stuffed animals.

How Do I Get It All Done?

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“I don’t know how you manage on your own,” is a statement I often hear from married friends. Even with a helpful husband around raising kids and taking care of a home is hard work.

So how do I get it all done?

The answer is: I don’t. I really don’t get it all done. My house is an array of half completed projects. The stairwell still needs to be painted. I have new sinks to install in both bathrooms and then I’ll tackle the new floors that are needed. The basement has become a makeshift baby store as I pile up the items being given to me in case I get a baby. (Even if I do, I’m planning to ship a bunch of stuff to my sister – who is expecting – as soon as she and her husband find a new house.) There is clean laundry abounding around the bedrooms. Most days I can manage to get it down to the basement, washed,and brought back up. By that point it’s bedtime and I leave if for another day which comes around eventually.

One of the highlights of my recent childfree trip to California was staying in a tidy, uncluttered apartment. It did me good to remember one day the mess will be over. My kids will grow up. Toys won’t always litter the hallways. Dirty socks won’t appear in the most unlikely places forever. This is just a season I’m in.

Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate the season. Despite the state of my house, I do have standards and expectations that I find myself continually falling short of. I’m not a perfectionist but enjoy a sense of decorum and order. Since I started homeschooling that has become impossible. The only time I don’t have a child or children underfoot is when they’re in bed. By that time I’m so depleted I do fun things like blogging or watching British crime dramas.

Most days I feel like I don’t get much of anything done at all. I mange to put three meals of some nutritional value on the table each day. I keep the kids relatively clean – though that’s becoming more difficult with the onset of good weather. My children are drawn to dirt and mud like a magnet. On short notice I can throw together a decent family dinner when my siblings come by to visit. But don’t check the top of the china cabinet. Apparently, it hasn’t been dusted in quite some time.

This week, aside from completing my first official catering job, my greatest accomplishment was mowing the grass. My pictures don’t do it justice. The place was turning into a jungle. Now when I look out my back patio door, there’s a sense of accomplishment. It’s small, but I’ll take it.

in the midst of mowing

in the midst of mowing

Happy Mother’s Day

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a recent message from Raine

a recent message from Raine

This is the first time I’m celebrating as only an adoptive mom, not a foster mom. That’s how I first gained the title – mom. Being a foster mom is beautiful and challenging all at once. I didn’t realize how different it would feel becoming an adoptive mom to kids I already loved. It’s been a transition for all of us.

I wonder how my daughters will see their childhood from the vantage of adulthood. What kind of mother will they remember me as?

Although united by the title of “mom”, each of us uniquely defines that relationship.

For me, I tend to get caught up on the natural. I make sure my kids are well dressed, well fed, and live in a nice home. In a way, this helps heal the wounds they still bear from early life. I’ve created a place of stability and comfort to help heal.

There are times I fail in other areas. Sometimes I don’t respond with grace. Sometimes I don’t savour the beauty of the moment we’re in. Sometimes I wish they would just stop talking. I forget how exceptional it is that my daughters adore me and want to interact with me. They crave the love in my gaze. They want to make me smile. They seek to bring me joy.

“This is all I have for you,” Raine said sadly, handing me a folded piece of paper.

A dear friend worked with the girls to give me a lovely potted flower arrangement. But since Raine didn’t buy or create it herself, she doesn’t count that as a proper Mother’s Day gift.

“Your love is all I need,” was my answer.

“Well, you have that,” Raine happily replied.

Raine & Athena on Good Friday modeling the sweaters I made them

Raine & Athena on Good Friday modeling the sweaters I made them

Having a Husband Would Be Nice

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A lot of women have husbands. I understand this. Since I don’t, I end up doing things for myself. Like building a deck two years ago. This year it was time to restain it. That’s what I worked on today. From the time Athena left for school until she returned, I was outside. For most of the morning Raine was with me. Having woken up with a fever, she could not be persuaded to rest. So I put her to work pulling weeds from the flower bed where her wild flower seeds will go.

Being 37 and somewhat out of shape, painting is hard work. My body aches. My arms are sunburned. And I think, yeah it would be nice to have a husband. Or at least extra money to pay someone to do this. Alas, I don’t have either.

Raine had to fend for herself at lunch time. She ate left over chicken and raw veggies. I even let her pour a glass of water. Don’t worry, I made up for it by preparing a well received mac & cheese with ham and broccoli for dinner. Now I’m too sore to move.

Yeah, having a husband would be nice – specifically one who does things around the house. But I haven’t time to worry about that now. I need to finish the deck floor boards tomorrow so I can try building a canopy.

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Deck 2yrs ago. After pictures coming soon.

 

Happiness from Within

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If-you-arent-happy-single-you-wont-be-happy-taken.-Happiness-comes-from-within-not-from-men

In one week I will be 37. Being single at this age is a lot different than being single at 17 or 27. I’m comfortable with myself in ways I wasn’t at those ages. Growing up I was forever being told, “You’ll make a great wife one day.” Maybe I still will. It’s never been a passionate pursuit. Perhaps naively, I expect the Lord to open the door for marriage if that’s what He has for me. Since it’s not yet opened, I’ve created a life for myself – walking through the doors the Lord has opened.

Being alone is hard sometimes. Being an introvert and wildly independent, I’ve had to intentionally create community. Nearly 6 years ago I moved from the city I grew up in to a small town. I knew a few people since the church I attend and worked at was located in the same town. Some of those friends have since moved away. Others have entered my life but it’s taken intentionality to build those relationships. Making friends when you’re older is harder – there are kids and schedules and unshared histories. But, as a fulltime homeschooling single mom, I need community to keep my sanity. That’s the most important thing I’ve discovered at this point. My kids are wonderful yet limited.

Recently in applying for a job (part-time working from home), I was asked to provide two references. Who to choose? I messaged a friend for advice. She was slow in responding. So I talked through the dilemma aloud while eating dinner with my girls. 4yr old Athena insisted I include our friend’s dog. I’m not sure he’d be the best choice. When a puppy, I cared for him daily. Now that he’s older our arrangement is: I can stop by to walk him whenever I want while my friend’s at work. I must admit that hasn’t happened in ages because it’s been so cold and I’ve been so busy. I doubt he’d have anything positive to say at this point.

I look forward to the time when my girls are older and friendship blossoms between us. For now, I am responsible for their daily care and instruction. It’s a beautiful relationship, but more demanding than I ever imagined. Having a partner might lighten the load, but I won’t waste time lamenting. The Lord has enabled me to adopt as a single woman. I am fully capable on my own. I am whole and content. There’s room in my heart and life should that door open, but I won’t devote myself to a possibility. My kids need me to be fully present for them. I need to fully engage with them not allowing imagination and longing to sap my strength.

It’s taken a long time for me to get to this point. Growing up, I often imagined the glory of marriage. In my mid-20’s I was heartbroken by the end of a romance. I spent a great deal of time longing for that man. There are fleeting moments when I still miss him. There are times when I think, “if only I had….”. Everything could have been different. Maybe it should have been. But it isn’t.

This is my lot. I have two beautiful daughters, a lovely home, the opportunity to be a full-time mom, friends who care for me, a family who are excited about the wonderfully unusual life I have created. Being single isn’t a problem I need to fix. It’s an opportunity I’m striving to make the most of.