This year the season changed early. In the middle of August, fall is upon us. The days are cool, the nights cold. And the light of summer is gone. Fall is my favourite season. With mixed emotions, I greet it … Continue reading
Raine has been struggling since my grandmother passed away. There have been some good days but mostly she’s been very off. The herbal medication that’s been working wonders for nearly a year is no longer making any difference. Most of the time, Raine is edgy and filled with anxiety.
When I ask how I can help, her answer is, “Can you change death? That’s all that can help me now.” Loss has marked her life in a variety of ways. Losing her great-grandmother is likely opening old wounds.
To cope, Raine and Athena play “funeral”. Athena pretends to be dead. Raine races around the house “trying to get to the funeral on time!” No doubt this has to do with the concern about being late for my grandmother’s funeral. As we were about to leave, the dog we’re watching escaped from the backyard. Piling the kids and the babysitter into the car, we drove around to find him. Then I brought them all to my parents’ house where the babysitter was to watch my kids and my nephew. Arriving slightly later than I’d hoped, my brother-in-law was no where near ready. So we waited. With whispered speculations, I wondered if we’d make it on time.
In the children’s game, there are several versions. In one, Raine makes it on time and is unsure how to mourn the loss of her sister. Another involves Raine being so late she misses the funeral and Athena is already buried – under a blanket or the dinning room table. In the third version, “Jesus makes Athena come alive again.” Then there is much rejoicing and no need for a funeral.
Hoping to ease Raine’s grief, we visited my grandmother’s grave last Friday. I 
brought daisies from our garden for the girls to put there. We parked by the funeral home, then walked across the bridge and over to the cemetery. That way Raine would have the full picture of the funeral and graveside procession.
I don’t know if it helped. But we did it.
Mostly, I’ve been telling her how brave she is. “You love even though your heart’s been hurt. That makes you especially brave.” It is remarkably brave for Raine to open her heart to so many when she’s lost so much in her short life (birth parents, other birth siblings, the home she knew, the country she was born in, friends of mine who have moved on with life, Sabrina* and Megan* – foster children who were with us for a very long time – and the list goes on).
Still Raine greets everyone with confident exuberance. She’s sure she’ll be loved and is ready to do the same. Even in the midst of grief, Raine is choosing to love.
*name changed
In the midst of Emma’s struggle, I got to the see the depth of Raine’s own inner 
healing. Normally last minute adjustments throw her off. After getting the call that Emma* was on her way for an unexpected sleep over, I wondered aloud, “Where will I put her?”
“She can have my room,” Raine quickly offered. Her room is not something she’s prone to sharing.
“Where will you sleep?” I asked.
“In Athena’s room.” At different points the girls have shared a room. Raine is driven crazy by the sound of her sister’s breathing. “It’s so loud!” she shouted to the the point I vowed they’d never share a room again.
But I was out of options. We had a lovely 2yr old boy with us. I’d put his crib in the room Emma normally uses.
The night didn’t go well. Athena had a hard time settling down with Emma carrying on in the hallway. Thankfully our little 2yr old visitor had no trouble falling asleep. I put Raine into his room.
Without any fuss she went. She actually went and was asleep in no time at all. This sort of unexpected shuffling is something that used to send Raine into a 
state similar to Emma’s. She would shout at me, kick the walls, throw things around. Friday, there was none of that.
Once Athena was asleep, I put Raine back into the spare bed in her sister’s room. When she woke, there was no upset. Happily the girls played together and continued to most of the day.
Not long ago Raine couldn’t manage interacting with anyone remotely close to her age. She did well with much younger or much older children who would let her dominate.
By no means has Raine lost her strong personality. That’s just who she is. But there’s a softening. Her need to control isn’t as prevalent as it once was. She’s learning to go with the flow. That’s immensely helpful in our unpredictable life.
Outside of the realm of foster care, there’s the last minute invitations to the park – like happened last Sunday. A friend invited us to the splash pad by her house. I’d promised the kids s’mores after dinner. But dinner ended up being drive thru from a burger joint. It was bedtime when we got home.
“But what about s’mores?” Athena asked.
“I had a choice to make – stay home and have s’mores or go to the park and see our friends,” was my answer.
“You made the right choice,” Raine commented, heading upstairs to bed.
In the past, an overwhelming sense of loss would have consumed her when realizing she’d missed out on something. We had s’mores the next day. I try to always keep my word. But the miracle is that Raine was able to flex with that change. It didn’t debilitate her like it once would.
The transformation has been slow and full of setbacks. Still, I’m rejoicing in how far we’ve come. My daughter is secure in my love for her and her place in our family. From that place of security, she’s able to move with the rhythm of life – adapting to the challenges and joys that come our way.
*name changed
Being a single stay at home mom affords some unique opportunities and challenges. After doing this for a few years, I’ve discovered meaningful connections are key for my success. I’m an introvert. My kids are generally in bed by 7pm. So I have evenings to myself. That really helps me recharge for the next day, but isn’t always enough.
So I make a point of connecting with at least one life-giving friend a week. This week, however, afforded me the opportunity to connect with 5 great friends in two short days.
Wednesday morning we arrived slightly late for story & craft time at Chapters. It was a struggle to get out the door. The night before, Athena destroyed the bathroom. Because I was downstairs working on the other bathroom, this went unnoticed until long after she was asleep. So first thing in the morning we chatted about the chunk she’d torn off the wall and the pieces of soap shoved down the drain. In to time out she went. It was not pleasant.
Then Raine decided she wouldn’t take her medication. As much as I understand, she really can’t function without it. After failing to find a pharmaceutical that works for her, we’ve found an herbal product that helps take the edge off without diminishing who Raine is.
I knew she wouldn’t be able to cope with out the medication. A lengthy battle ensued in which Raine told me she was leaving to return to her birth mom. “Because it’s so much better there!” Eventually, after the contents of one capsule was thrown around the kitchen, Raine complied.
We arrived in our nice dresses and I ordered myself some coffee. The day got better.
Samples of chai tea! Athena’s favourite.
“I can’t believe it,” my friend said when I relayed the story of our morning. “I never would have guessed.”
I am a firm believer in the beauty of adoption. The fact remains, parenting kids from hard places is hard. That doesn’t change my belief that it’s right, necessary, and worth it. The reality isn’t as lovely as we looked walking into Chapters Wednesday morning. That’s ok. My life is a beautiful mess as we navigate the experience of family that is uniquely ours.
Raine, eying some interesting books.
Sipping coffee with my friend while my girls were enraptured by the story being read by the Chapter’s employee, gave me a chance to be still. The struggles of our morning faded away.
Last night, after the kids were “in bed”, another friend came by. There were a dozen reasons my normally compliant kids found to leave their rooms. Mainly they wanted to be part of the conversation going on in the living room. I let them say hello then sent them back to bed. When they settled, I got to pray with my friend – something that energizes my spirit. It was so refreshing to be still in the presence of the Lord.
This morning was another race. Up so late, the kids slept in. For the first time since becoming a mom 6yrs ago, I got out of bed at 8:30am. Normally it’s 6:30am or 7am if all goes well. Lovely – except we needed to be at the chiropractor’s for 9am. It was a rush. And Raine ended up on the floor of her bedroom crying that the capri’s I picked out were completely unsuitable. “It’s freezing outside!” she sobbed. “I’m going to freeze!”
Being perfect, I wouldn’t have let the looming appointment dictate how much time I spent consoling and convincing her. Far from perfect, I told her it would soon warm up outside and offered her some pants. That didn’t help. She kept crying, for reasons I didn’t quite catch as I tried to grab a couple of granola bars for the kids’ breakfast (to be eaten in the car).
We made it to the appointment, then went on to a park where I was having an informal business meeting with a friend. She was a little late, so Raine pushed Athena and I on a swing. I loved the chance to be still and let my body move with the rhythm of the swing.
Our meeting went long. The kids were playing so well, I didn’t notice the time.
Exhausted and happy after a day of play, kids rested while I made dinner.
We rushed from there to a play date at an indoor playground with two other friends. The place, normally crowded, was completely empty. Our kids – six in total – loved it.
Normally, I’m somewhat nervous when Raine’s around kids & parents we aren’t familiar with. Sometimes her reactions are out of sync with what’s going on. Often she’s loud and bossy. Maybe no one else cares, but I worry. Not having any unknown kids or parents around I could be still and enjoy the conversation with my friends. It was blissful.
This is what helps me carry on – the moments I’m able to be still and drink in the company of a like minded, trusted friend. I’m so grateful for those the Lord has brought into my life – including the ones I didn’t manage to connect with this week.
Chantal Kreviazuk‘s song Feels Like Home has been playing in my mind since I got back late Friday evening. My girls were already asleep. I might have woken them up just to say, “I’m home and I love you.” Athena grabbed my face and didn’t want to let go.
Neither really remembered the next morning when they woke horribly early to greet me. “You’re never going anywhere ever again,” Athena announced, latching on to me.
Raine was less verbally expressive, but clearly happy to have me home.
It was a challenge for all of us – probably more so for my friend staying with the kids. “I don’t know how you get anything done,” she said on more than one occasion. Finding time for her work-from-home contracts didn’t come easily.
Some days I don’t get anything done – like today when my most concrete accomplishment is this blog. Yesterday, however, I found myself doing 3 loads of laundry, roasting 3 pounds of coffee, making 3 batches of muffins (for an event I’m catering this week). Unintentionally it was a day of 3s yesterday. All the while I found myself singing:
Somethin’ in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my lifeIf you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve doneIt feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong…
So happy to be back where I belong!
a rare moment of sisterly love captured by my friend while I was gone
Wonderfully Unusual 