Tag Archives: adoption

Progress on the Adoption Front

Posted on by

0

I expected my second adoption to be typical. That’s why I set forth the plan to post an update each Thursday. The process began so long ago I can’t find my initial post.

As with all things in my life, this is not usual.

I’ve waited ages for the homestudy to be complete. In November, all my paperwork was handed in. And then there was nothing but silence. My adoption worker said she was busy with a few other families but would soon come to my file. Time has passed.

At last, on Friday, I sent an email trying to conceal my desperation. Immediately she replied saying, “Funny you should be in touch today. I just got approval to complete your homestudy.”

That amazing news was followed with the information that she is going to be away for three weeks but will be in touch upon her return. With that time line now in place, I’m working hard to get everything ready. There are some projects around the house I need to complete and so on.

One of the things I need in moving forward is a new vehicle. Mine, a 2001 that I bought 004used from a friend 5yrs ago, has served me well. But the body is being eaten up by rust and the kilometers are adding up – currently at 395,348. Though never having given me much trouble thus far, I really can’t expect it to go on forever.

I could explain in detail how I do my best to economize and accept every odd job that comes along. I work diligently to add to the government subsidy that I receive with the adoption. Most of the time we manage reasonably financially. But at the moment, there’s no way I can swing a newer vehicle.

And so, a friend has launched a crowd funding project. It’s incredibly unusual for me to request help – of any sort. This comes with incredible trepidation. I know a second round of adoption is where I need to head. And if you’d like to contribute in any manner to my present need, I’d be eternally grateful.

Don’t Take It Personally

Posted on by

0

Our new addition, J, is doing pretty well. The girls have their moments, but overall they get along amazingly.

Of course there’s been a wrench thrown into all that harmony. A few weeks ago I went to the women’s conference at church. J went to my friend’s, a fellow foster parent. Raine & Athena went to my mom’s.

It’s rare that I’m away from the kids at all – let alone for a whole weekend. So I expected some backlash, especially from Raine. But it was so much worse than anticipated.

Life at my mom’s is pretty decadent for the kids. They get to pick whatever they want at the grocery store. Understandably, that’s a lot of sugary processed food – things we don’t usually have. Time is spent watching TV or jumping over furniture. There aren’t many rules. Controlling and rude behaviour is overlooked. Grandma is indulgent as grandmas should be. In a normal situation, that would be all well and good.

However, we don’t live a normal life. So….Raine returned with theIMG_20150611_163223 idea she ought to be adopted by my mom. Life with her is far superior to life at my house. Yes, for a 7yr old that is certainly how it appears. And for a child who is consciously aware of the loss of one mom, choosing another seems perfectly reasonable.

My resistance to Raine’s choice, created a great deal of conflict between us. The more I tried to pull her close, the more she pushed me away. After this length of time together, it’s hard not to take it personally. It’s nearly impossible.

Those who watched the struggle play out were mostly sympathetic. Some suggested I try harder to be more fun. I did. But that went over like a lead balloon. Walking to the park, Raine was running much too far ahead and nearly into the road a few times. So I had to reign her in. She wasn’t happy. I bought wooden skewers as she requested for a craft. She poked a visiting child repeatedly. So I had to speak to her. That resulted in an hour of screaming while I tried to get everyone ready to go see a movie. Even in her pain, I feel obligated to keep her and everyone else safe. That’s not fun. I know. There’s a lot of things in life that aren’t fun.

In all my years of fostering, with all the kids I’ve had, I’ve only ever had one meltdown at a time. They are prone to trading off but, thankfully, everyone doesn’t go off at once.

Friday, after weeks of difficulty, Raine passed the baton to J. Our foster child completely unravelled in response to an upcoming visit from my brother and his family. They live out west but were in the area for a week. Apparently, uncles are not trusted by J. The more Raine & Athena talked about the visit, the more destraught J became. Until she was wearing the meltdown hat – throwing things, ripping up paper, and contemplating jumping out of a second story window. I hastily transported her to a friend’s house so I could visit with my brother without causing J further distress.

And that snapped Raine out of her funk. Now I’m back to being the best mom ever. Maybe because the sugary, processed food had worked their way out of her system. Maybe because it was time to go to the cottage and she didn’t want to miss that like J had missed the fun of family visiting. I don’t know. Now that the struggle has ceased, I’m working on shaking off what’s been said. Trying not to take it personally. Trying.

Remember My Love

Posted on by

2

Four years ago, I knit Raine a hat for Easter. She’d arrived, a boisterous 3yr old, a few weeks

Easter 2011

Easter 2011

before the holiday. I had a dress that I picked up from Target in the US months before I knew Raine. Sometimes I would do that – buy potentially useless items because the longing for a couple little ones wouldn’t leave me. In fact, at that point, I bought two dresses one a size 4 the other size 2. They were in a box in my room along with some other clothing someone had given me in those two sizes. Even with a generous monthly clothing allowance for the foster children in my care, I found myself preparing for what might be.

I pulled the size 4 dress out of the box and some shoes I’d bought ages ago for a friend’s foster child who spent most weekends with me. In the end that little one returned to her birth mother. And I kept the shoes in my growing stash of things for a girl between 2-4yrs.

Raine was mildly impressed with the hat I made. She wore it on Easter and many days afterwards. Over the years, the hat has become one of her prized possessions. Somehow, it’s grown with her. This Easter, being incredibly chilly, she grabbed it to wear to church on Good Friday.

It was deeply significant to Raine that, in addition to the dress I made and the necklace her sister made, she had the hat from her first Easter with me. Being who she is, Raine told nearly everyone she came into contact with.

Easter 2015

Easter 2015

“Somehow the hat keeps growing with her,” I explained. It truly fit perfectly when I made it four years ago. And it fits perfectly now.

“She remembers and that makes it special,” said the church’s pre-school director, a former foster parent. He’s witnessed Raine’s growth from a defiant 3yr old into someone more at peace.

There are many days I fail as a parent. But these reminders of my love remain – growing with Raine.

The Gift of Concentration

Posted on by

3

Although Athena has not been formally diagnosed, I’m certain she has attention deficit disorder 012like her sister – and practically every child who has been in foster care. Sitting still is not becoming common as it should the older she gets. So we’re using a light weight (bean bag neck warmer) to keep her from jumping around during meals.

The early learning kindergarten program perfectly masks Athena’s lack of concentration. She moves from one activity to another without much investment in anything she does. Next year, I plan to homeschool her. But this year it’s nice to send her off to school on occasion so I can work with Raine.

Still, Athena ends up staying home at least one day a week. The main focus is on concentration. Shortly after she came to me at 20mths of age, the pediatrician said Athena needed to be taught to concentrate. “Put her in a high chair and give her some toys to play with for a little while.” I did. And did things like putting her in the high chair when meals were not quite ready. Athena would have to wait. She also stayed in her high chair when she was done and the rest of the family still ate.

Now, she stays in her room playing Legos each morning while I shower and dress. She’s making necklaces as part of her at home schooling. In addition to concentration, this helps with her fine motor skills which I wonder about sometimes.

I’ve been reading The Believers by Janice Holt Giles. It’s a novel about the early Shaker movement in America. Living communally, each member is given a monthly task – working in the garden, laundry, meal preparations, etc. For a month they devout themselves to this job. Then move on to another posting.

I worry I’m not up to the task of teaching concentration. I bake cookies while doing dishes, watching Dr Phil, and giving instructions on how to create button art (in hopes of occupying the kids for a few minutes). My house is a series of started projects. My room is forever turning into a disaster. I’m not overly organized or great at concentrating.

The Shaker lifestyle is becoming increasingly appealing as I evaluate my own way of doing things. There’s a great deal I disagree with in their theology but I enjoy the concept of being fully devoted to a single task. It’s something I’d like to incorporate into my own life.

Fail as I may, concentration is still a gift I’m working on giving my children and myself.

beading

Ready to Wait

Posted on by

2

In October I handed in all the adoption paperwork. I’d been waiting for my social worker to book a meeting. Apparently, she’d be waiting for the paperwork before booking a meeting. So I dropped it off. She mentioned being busy and that I was at the bottom of her list. I expected to hear from her by now. It’s been 5 months since I handed in the paperwork and one year since we first met about starting the adoption process again. There’s a complicated system that prioritizes some families over others. Just after contacting my adoption worker in November – leaving messages she didn’t respond to – I 026received a letter from the director of the adoption department. The mass mail out encouraged prospective adoptive parents to continue to wait. There was an explanation that priority is given to those willing to adopt older and/or special needs children as well as sibling groups. My adoption worker knows I am open to all three of those categories. I’ve left another message. Maybe she’s completed the other homestudies she had to do and can finally get to mine. 017 In the meantime, I’ve gotten a room ready in case my wildest dreams come true and we really do get a baby or babies. If not I can move the crib/toddler bed out and put in full size beds. For now I’ll keep them up to show we’re ready for babies – even if that’s not what we end up with.