24 hours

Posted on February 5, 2014 by Bobbie Howden

I have a big mouth – in that, I bite off more than most people can chew. That’s why I ended up with two babies overnight. First I was asked to take a 1mth old. Of course I said yes. The next day I was asked to take the 8mth old at the same home. The foster parents were going away overnight.

“You have two cribs, right?” the social worker asked.

Technically, I have three. My social worker dislikes two (for some reason she’s not a fan of Ikea). But I know they meet all the necessary requirements. So I said, “Yes, I can take both babies.”

Saturday at 1pm until Sunday at 1pm is when I had them. It may have been the longest 24hrs of my life. The foster mom hasn’t yet found a formula that agrees with the little one. She send along something new that had him fussing all night. In between night feedings, I tried to put him down. But that resulted in loud wails that woke his 8mth old roommate.

At 4am I was juggling feeding two babies. The older one really wasn’t due for a bottle. But it was 4am. After a 20min nap at 7pm, he’d been up until nearly 10pm. I was not ready start the day. I fed him a bottle and put him to bed. Thankfully, he fell back asleep and didn’t wake again until 7:30am. That’s a much better hour for me.

However, the littlest one didn’t get much rest that night. Nor did I. My inherent mother’s guilt was in full force on Sunday. The 8mth old was fussy. The 1mth old was fussy. Who do I pick up? Have I been favouring the younger over the older? Is this going to scar them for life? Am I planting seeds of rejection? The 8mth old looks at me longingly from his play mat on the floor but I decided to feed the 1mth old instead because he’s spit up his last two bottles.

Then there’s my own girls clamoring for attention. I’m counting the hours until bed. Sure, if this were daily life I’d adjust. I might even have fun. But instead it was 24hrs I muddled through. And after it all, I still wouldn’t mind a baby or two of my own. By that I mean foster babies somewhat permanently in my home.

But no calls yet.

my 4yr old hanging out in one of the baby chairs

A Fresh Start

Posted on January 24, 2014 by Bobbie Howden

Seems ages since I’ve posted anything. Recently every waking moment I’ve been putting my house in order. Not to sell, but to better meet our needs. My room is reorganized with a sewing nook. In my younger years I used to be quite proficient. Despite filling the basement with fabric, I’ve not sewn in ages. That’s something I’d like to change.

The living room has been converted to a school room. In the distant past, I required expansive seating areas. There was a time when I hosted hoards of people. With those days behind me I’ve created an intimate seating nook with two loveseats. When the occasional friend comes by we can visit while the children occupy themselves.

living room before & after (The empty corner in the before once housed the Christmas tree.)

seating area

Lastly I’m tackling the basement. With that completed, hopefully in the next couple of days, I’m going to dive into a few projects. One being the furtherance of my on-line coffee & tea business (www.believebistro.com).

All of this has been possible because of Joseph’s*sudden move. A week ago, the social worker called to say she was on her way to get him. In court Joseph’s father was awarded custody. That was not a surprise. The timing, however, was. I had been told court was later in the week. Quickly I scrambled to get his things together. I was mortified to send a box of dirty clothes. And even more distraught when I realized, the next day, all the toys I’d forgotten to send – some from his mom and others I’d given him for Christmas.

So ends my second fostering adventure with the local Children’s Aid. It’s been a week since Joseph’s departure. My phone hasn’t rung yet with another placement opportunity. I’ve made the most of my “time off”.

*name changed

Breaking Through

Posted on January 1, 2014 by Bobbie Howden

The One who breaks open the way will go up before them;
they will break through the gate and go out.
Their King will pass through before them,
the Lord at their head. Micah 2:13

In January my pastor names the year for our congregation. 2013 focused on the Lord of the breakthrough depicted in Micah 2:13. As encouraged by this past Sunday’s message I’m taking a moment to reflect on the breakthroughs this past year.

January 2013 – received adoption finalization from the court. The adoption worker was quite tardy in filing the paperwork. The expected date was March or April 2013. But when the court received the file it flew through the necessary chains.

February 2013 – I met with Sloane* & Elise’s* birth mom. She blessed me beyond belief. At a second meeting, Sloane saw her one last time and received a blessing to move forward (see We Belong Together).

August 2013 – After a message at church reminding us of this year’s theme, I went home to hear Mike Bickle’s call to fasting for breakthrough. I wholeheartedly support fasting but have never exerted much effort in the area. It was high time I did. There were so many things requiring breakthrough in my life. When Sabrina* turned 18 in July I left the private fostering agency to work directly with Children’s Aid (see Ready? Set? Go!). The change came with a significant pay cut which is fine because I’ve never been in it for the money. After several weeks of waiting there were no calls. I fasted not to force the hand of God, but to better hear Him by clearing away the clutter in my own life.

The fast didn’t bring the marked breakthrough I was hoping. In it came a gentle nudge towards homeschooling for Sloane.

September 2013 – Elise began Junior Kindergarten at the public school down the street. Sloane stayed home with me for Senior Kindergarten (see Back to School). Since starting school the previously year, Sloane gradually stopped using the toilet. Come December 2012 she was back in diapers/pull ups all the time. Had the adoption been finalized in September, I would have pulled her out of school. But it wasn’t. So we muddled through. I tried everything. Nothing worked. Being home in the summer didn’t make a difference. But a few weeks into September she was back on track with toileting! It sounds like a small thing, but it was really big. Her anger and defiance was driving a wedge between us.

Homeschooling Sloane has helped us establish a deeper bond. Things really derailed when the adoption

Putting my curlers in her hair, “so I can look like momma!”

got underway. It’s been a trying time with and for Sloane. But we’re coming through. Being home together has brought a huge breakthrough. She is becoming secure in our connection.

November 2013 – Sloane is discovered to already be a Canadian citizen!!!!! There were many delays caused by the adoption worker in securing Sloane’s citizenship. Born in the US to American parents, Sloane required citizenship in Canada where we reside. March 2013 I found out the adoption worker had done nothing despite having repeatedly told me the process was nearly complete. At that point it looked like it would be well over 3 years before completion. I was furious. Contact with the immigration lawyer was “graciously turned over” to me by the adoption worker’s supervisor. I remained frustrated. Despite having legal custody of my daughter, I couldn’t leave the country with her. There have been many technical difficulties in this adoption. The immigration is the best example. I started working directly with the lawyer. More complications arose. More time past. I grew weary in waiting. The 3 year process wouldn’t begin until the paperwork was accepted by the government. When it finally was, the reply came: Sloane is already a Canadian citizen. A name change needs to be completed, but it shouldn’t take long – certainly not 3 years!

Like me, Sloane is passionate about traveling. Neither of us like limitations. In this area the Lord has certainly broken open a way!

December 2013 – Despite significant gains in emotional health and, as a result, behviour Sloane still struggled with huge amounts of anger (see My Legs are Tired, These Days). After seeing a minor display, my mom recommended meeting with a friend of hers for some prayer. The result has been thrilling. Sloane’s guard is down and she’s enjoying life for the first time. This is the most significant breakthrough of all – the answer to a great many prayers.

It would be unrealistic to think that we might come into a season of life where breakthrough means it’s all rainbows and gum drops and there’s not a problem at all. I don’t think that is possible…one of the keys to our advancing in God is learning what a previous generation would have called “counting your blessings”…There’s something about what we carry with us that prophesies to where we’re going. ~ Matt Tapley (from the message, Preserving Breakthrough)

This year has not been all rainbows and gum drops. But the Lord has been breaking through. In the midst of my failures and shortcomings, He is faithful. That’s what I’m taking with me into this new year.

* name changed

The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Counting my blessings….naming them one by one…….

Sloane* (photo courtesy of Shannon Guiler)

Elise* (photo courtesy of Shannon Guiler)

Blessed

Posted on December 23, 2013 by Bobbie Howden

Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished. Luke 1:45

Years ago in the Christmas season this verse came to me. I’d read it countless times. But that year it dove deep into my heart. I was struggling to believe. Days later at work, I picked up the phone to find a woman on the other end asking if I’d like to adopt a foster child in her care. Why she ended up calling me remains a mystery. She was looking for someone else in the office but mentioned my name to the receptionist. At that point, not too many people knew about my dream to adopt. Of course the Lord was aware. He’s the one who spoke the idea into existence (see Adoption). That call came to nothing for me or the other married couple seeking a child. But it did remind me that the Lord would accomplish all He said. That year I made cards for everyone in my office featuring this verse. A few years later I tattooed believe my right arm, an ever present reminder as I continued to wait.

tattoo on right arm as a reminder to believe

This year the wait is over. At the end of January 2013, Sloane* and Elise* legally became my daughters. The long anticipated dream of adopting came to pass. It’s been a roller coaster of emotion and experience. After some amazing prayer for Sloane a few weeks ago, I feel like we’re finally on stable ground. Today she made up a song about two babies who grew in one mom’s stomach. Because that mom couldn’t take care of them, those babies came to a new mom who adopted them. “And it’s good!” she exclaimed.

I often think of Mary, blessed with the words of Luke 1:45. Did she know everything that would transpire? As she and Joseph set out for Bethlehem, did she understand the Scriptures naming this as the Messiah’s birthplace? Or did she see it as a horrible detour? Were there moments in the journey when she struggled to believe? In my own journey there have been many times doubt crept in. Despite the tattoo, many gifts from friends with the word believe, and naming my company Believe bistro (www.believebistro.com) there have been times I’ve struggled to believe.

Long ago, in the midst of waiting, I came across the Christmas musical “Child of the Promise”. So often I sang along with the words written for Elizabeth, “it must be God when the dream never dies.” With all the trials, disappointments, and discouragement my dream never died. I continued to believe.

This year, I’m moved by the song written for Joseph. “The way I thought that it would be is that God would make our pathway smooth. Our steps together would be easy. I wanted that for you. The way I thought that it would be is God would take all pain away, our lives would happen perfectly. I wanted that for you. I wanted all that for you.”

There’s so much I want for my daughters. I have these perfect ideals. Still their past is something I can’t change. Both were born addicted to pain killers. They spent weeks in the hospital being weaned off those drugs. In praying for Sloane a few weeks ago, the Lord showed me a picture of her newly born in the hospital. He whispered to her, “It’s ok. I have a new mom waiting for you.” Somehow, through prayer, the Lord has eased the distress Sloane’s been living in. For the first time in her short life, she’s at peace. Her song is absolutely beautiful.

The Lord accomplished what He said to me. He’s given me, as a single woman, two children through adoption. I’m living in the blessing of believing.

This Christmas our family of three will be together on our own. It looks like our foster child, Joseph (see Love is Important) will be with his father. I’m rejoicing in the blessings afforded to me because of my tenacity to believe. The Lord has accomplished what He said. I know God will continue to bring beauty for ashes. I continue to believe. I am blessed. My children are blessed.

*name changed

photo courtesy of RAD Photography – Rebekah Dalgleish

Love is Important

Posted on December 9, 2013 by Bobbie Howden

One of the reasons I left the private agency I was fostering for was the hope of easier children. Some days Sloane* is fun enough for this single mom. It was nearly three weeks before I got a call after the boys left (see From 2 to 4 and The End). A message was left while I picked Elise* up from school. By the time I called back the 3yr old boy had been placed elsewhere. “Just as well,” I thought, still hoping for a tiny baby before Christmas.

The next day the same worker called to say, “It’s not going to work where we put him. Would you still be interested?” The initial report was: his speech is delayed and he’s not toilet trained. The current foster mom complained he hadn’t slept that first night, refused to talk though is able to, and won’t keep his clothes on. It was his first night in a strange home, so I wasn’t too put off. I said yes. Later another call came to say he may be mildly autistic. Still I said yes.

Joseph* arrived Friday afternoon. If it’s autism he has, it’s certainly not mild. He’s happy, engaging, and affectionate. But seems to be in disconnected from the world. Communication is limited to single words repeated, sometimes connected to what’s going on or in his hand.

Sloane, who doesn’t get along with anyone, instantly fell for him. At dinner the first night, she said, “Love is important. And I love Joseph.” Three days in, her love continues to expand. She speaks kindly and quietly to him (a miracle in and of itself) and is consistently eager to help him. Elise isn’t feeling quite as warmly towards our new arrival. Mostly she stares asking, “What are you doing?” His actions confound her because they lack any logical sequence or explanation. Joseph responds to her with a smile.

fast asleep with a teddy bear – one of my greatest triumphs thus far

The first night bedtime was a struggle. He cried and quickly jumped out of bed when I put him in. While bathing the girls I let him play in his room with the door closed. Tonight when I told him to go upstairs after dinner, he happily hurried into his bed. Pretending to be asleep I hated to explain it was bath time not bed yet. I still have to stay in his room, encouraging him to remain in bed for him to fall asleep. Thus far it’s been about 20mins, which gives me time to check emails and write this blog. Asleep by 8pm and awake by 6:30am has been the pattern. Once asleep, he sleeps right through the night. This morning he even remained in his room until I came to get him after my shower (the rule for everyone in my household). I’m incredibly happy with the sleep component.

During the day he amuses himself, playing and climbing onto to my lap. A trip to Superstore (since he came with nothing) was challenging. I put him in the cart, but he recognized a multitude of yummy treats. Joseph screamed and grabbed for cookies and sugary snacks as I whizzed past them. Again I have an oversized child. The size 4 plaid shirt I bought him for church couldn’t be buttoned this morning.

Church, like the shirt, wasn’t a good fit. Everything went well until a teachers arrived with a muffin in a McDonald’s bag. Joseph really wanted the bag and whatever was in it. Concerned about allergies, the teacher didn’t give it to him. He became increasingly inconsolable. I was called to help. The problem is I have no idea what to do. He hardly knows me. Even a piece of the desired muffin didn’t pull him out of the state he was in. When I tried to pick him up things got worse. Finally I calmed him enough to leave. The teachers were very gracious, encouraging me to have him stay when settled. I worried about another melt down later and didn’t want to be stuck trying to get him through a crowed foyer. If at all possible, I avoid causing a scene. I gathered Sloane and Elise from their class. Joseph wept when I suggested he put his coat on. He continued in the parking lot and the car. Five minutes out of the parking lot, he was ok. Back home he was great the rest of the day. Hopefully with time (and if there are no McDonald’s bags) Joseph will settle into the routine of church.

Inside I keep screaming, “I think I have an autistic child!” This is not the easy I was looking for. Sloane getting along with Joseph eases the strain. He’s really happy at home. The fact is, he needs to live somewhere right now. Why not here?

*name changed

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