Tag Archives: single parent adoption

The Risk of Love

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quote-about-lossRaine has been struggling since my grandmother passed away. There have been some good days but mostly she’s been very off. The herbal medication that’s been working wonders for nearly a year is no longer making any difference. Most of the time, Raine is edgy and filled with anxiety.

When I ask how I can help, her answer is, “Can you change death? That’s all that can help me now.” Loss has marked her life in a variety of ways. Losing her great-grandmother is likely opening old wounds.

To cope, Raine and Athena play “funeral”. Athena pretends to be dead. Raine races around the house “trying to get to the funeral on time!” No doubt this has to do with the concern about being late for my grandmother’s funeral. As we were about to leave, the dog we’re watching escaped from the backyard. Piling the kids and the babysitter into the car, we drove around to find him. Then I brought them all to my parents’ house where the babysitter was to watch my kids and my nephew. Arriving slightly later than I’d hoped, my brother-in-law was no where near ready. So we waited. With whispered speculations, I wondered if we’d make it on time.

In the children’s game, there are several versions. In one, Raine makes it on time and is unsure how to mourn the loss of her sister. Another involves Raine being so late she misses the funeral and Athena is already buried – under a blanket or the dinning room table. In the third version, “Jesus makes Athena come alive again.” Then there is much rejoicing and no need for a funeral.

Hoping to ease Raine’s grief, we visited my grandmother’s grave last Friday. I graveside2brought daisies from our garden for the girls to put there. We parked by the funeral home, then walked across the bridge and over to the cemetery. That way Raine would have the full picture of the funeral and graveside procession.

I don’t know if it helped. But we did it.

Mostly, I’ve been telling her how brave she is. “You love even though your heart’s been hurt. That makes you especially brave.” It is remarkably brave for Raine to open her heart to so many when she’s lost so much in her short life (birth parents, other birth siblings, the home she knew, the country she was born in, friends of mine who have moved on with life, Sabrina* and Megan* – foster children who were with us for a very long time – and the list goes on).

Still Raine greets everyone with confident exuberance. She’s sure she’ll be loved and is ready to do the same. Even in the midst of grief, Raine is choosing to love.

*name changed

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You Say Goodbye…

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you-say-goodbye-and-i-say-helloYesterday things looked dire for my 96yr old grandmother. This isn’t the first time she’s been rushed to hospital via ambulance. Given the nature of my life, single adoptive/foster mom living an hour away, I don’t always make it to her bedside. I have once before. By the time I got there she was perfectly fine.

I had my friend’s three foster children this weekend. When my dad text that things were quite serious, I didn’t know what to do. In the end we rushed off to the hospital. The dinner dishes were left. Hastily I put my girls in dresses and grabbed a bag of chips from the cupboard. We drove an hour to the small town hospital.

Into the tiny structure I marched with 5 children. Though nearly 5yrs old I put Athena in a stroller. Having her contained made Raine much calmer. Normally the two race down halls despite my pleas of, “Walking! Walking! You need to be walking!”

“My you have have a group there,” the woman at emergency reception commented.

“Yes,” I said smiling back at her. This is how it goes. Being on my own means carting kids to some unlikely places – like small town emergency rooms at 8pm on a Saturday night. I tried, with out success, to find a sitter. I was ok with that. However there was a panic inside of me about how Raine and Athena would behave.

They were unusually quite as we discovered my grandmother holding on with the help of various machines. My parents were already there.

We watched her struggle to breath with an oxygen mask strapped to her face. My dad settled the older kids, belonging to my friend, in a near by waiting room. It’s hard to know what Grandma was aware of. We talked to her a bit. But what to say?

The nurse came to transport Grandma out of emergency into a room on the third floor. We hung out in the front lobby waiting for that to occur.

Then I traversed with my parents and 5 kids up to the third floor. The smattering of staff and patients flat out stared at us. What do other people do in these situations – single or non? I suppose they leave their children with babysitters. But, had I been able to secure one, I still would have brought Raine. She has a special bond with my grandma. The woman hadn’t smiled in years until Raine came along. The first time they met, Grandma couldn’t stop smiling even in the pictures that were snapped. Generally annoyed with most kids (and adults), my grandma found no fault in Raine. She loved seeing her.

The sight of her great-grandma frail and distant made Raine suddenly quiet. On our drive there, Raine wouldn’t accept this as a time to say goodbye. I didn’t know what to say. Goodbye seemed very appropriate. But suddenly unfortunate. There are so many questions I’d like answered. My grandmother is a mystery to me.

We left around 9pm. I ordered 6 beverages at a Tim Horton’s drive through. The woman working there repeated the number several times to be sure she’d heard correctly. I passed out drinks and chips to the kids. We drove home.

I thought about the funeral to come. Ever efficient, Grandma has prearranged everything. As a child she took me to see the plots she and my grandfather purchased. It’s probably been 10yrs since my grandpa passed away. There are so many things I still want to know about them both.

Perhaps some questions will be answered. Saturday morning, my grandma was sitting up and eating breakfast. Seems the end has not come. The goodbye is yet again another opportunity to say hello.

Father’s Day – Celebrating what We Have

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Today is father’s day. It’s true – my girls don’t have an earthly father. As Athena is quick to point out, “we have God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. That’s three!!” More than the average kid.

Our life is wonderfully unusual, I know. Intentionally I chose to become a single mom. I’m ok with that. And so are my kids. Since their arrival, I’ve been it – the only parent around. To us it’s just the way it is.

Of course in a perfect world, I would have married when I was young and the foster children who come to me would be greeted by a lovely mom & dad. That didn’t happen. I’m grateful God isn’t hung up on perfection. He’s willing to bend the rules. In doing so He brought me two delightful girls that I get to keep forever.

Today I’m focusing on what my kids have instead of what they don’t.

They have a mom who loves them. Even though I fail repeatedly, I’m not giving up on them or myself. Relationships aren’t easy. Each is an opportunity to grow in grace and compassion. I’m making the most of every opportunity!

My girls have a great community who love them. We’re surrounded by other families and individuals who come alongside us. My daughters have friends they’re growing up with – something that was and is a very special part of my own life.

My own family have embraced Raine & Athena. It’s hard to believe that some extended families don’t welcome adopted children. Sadly, this can be the case – especially when the children come broken and, at times, resistant to love. Thankfully my parents, siblings, and their spouses have all welcomed the addition of my children.

My daughters have a stable home life. They lack no good thing (Psalm 34:10). The Lord has provided a beautiful home and the necessary finances to keep us afloat. He’s opened the doors for me to be home full-time with my kids. This means the world to them and me.

Most importantly, my daughters have a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for them. They live in abundance – lacking nothing.

Still-Saturday-Psalm-23

What If…..

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life lessons from the movie Frozen

6yr old Raine has been saying, “I’m never getting married!” IMG_20140609_170922

Recently I decided to ask her why – after explaining how wonderful the institution is.

“What if I marry someone who tries to kill me?” she inquired. What if……consumes Raine’s thoughts most of the day. There are so many things she’s curious about.

“You won’t marry someone who tries to kill you,” I assured.

“Anna did on Frozen.”

“Yes, but you won’t.”

A lengthy conversation ensued. By the end, Raine was satisfied that she won’t marry someone who tries to kill her.

“But I’m still not getting married!” she declared.

However, there have been a number of weddings recently involving her stuffed animals.

Progress!

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In the midst of Emma’s struggle, I got to the see the depth of Raine’s own inner 10370636_10201973164359631_28419392_nhealing. Normally last minute adjustments throw her off. After getting the call that Emma* was on her way for an unexpected sleep over, I wondered aloud, “Where will I put her?”

“She can have my room,” Raine quickly offered. Her room is not something she’s prone to sharing.

“Where will you sleep?” I asked.

“In Athena’s room.” At different points the girls have shared a room. Raine is driven crazy by the sound of her sister’s breathing. “It’s so loud!” she shouted to the the point I vowed they’d never share a room again.

But I was out of options. We had a lovely 2yr old boy with us. I’d put his crib in the room Emma normally uses.

The night didn’t go well. Athena had a hard time settling down with Emma carrying on in the hallway. Thankfully our little 2yr old visitor had no trouble falling asleep. I put Raine into his room.

Without any fuss she went. She actually went and was asleep in no time at all. This sort of unexpected shuffling is something that used to send Raine into a 10416734_10201973164239628_826267994_nstate similar to Emma’s. She would shout at me, kick the walls, throw things around. Friday, there was none of that.

Once Athena was asleep, I put Raine back into the spare bed in her sister’s room. When she woke, there was no upset. Happily the girls played together and continued to most of the day.

Not long ago Raine couldn’t manage interacting with anyone remotely close to her age. She did well with much younger or much older children who would let her dominate.

By no means has Raine lost her strong personality. That’s just who she is. But there’s a softening. Her need to control isn’t as prevalent as it once was. She’s learning to go with the flow. That’s immensely helpful in our unpredictable life.

Outside of the realm of foster care, there’s the last minute invitations to the park – like happened last Sunday. A friend invited us to the splash pad by her house. I’d promised the kids s’mores after dinner. But dinner ended up being drive thru from a burger joint. It was bedtime when we got home.
“But what about s’mores?” Athena asked.

“I had a choice to make – stay home and have s’mores or go to the park and see our friends,” was my answer.

“You made the right choice,” Raine commented, heading upstairs to bed.

In the past, an overwhelming sense of loss would have consumed her when realizing she’d missed out on something. We had s’mores the next day. I try to always keep my word. But the miracle is that Raine was able to flex with that change. It didn’t debilitate her like it once would.

The transformation has been slow and full of setbacks. Still, I’m rejoicing in how far we’ve come. My daughter is secure in my love for her and her place in our family. From that place of security, she’s able to move with the rhythm of life – adapting to the challenges and joys that come our way.

*name changed