Tag Archives: foster care adoption

Adoption Update

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A very long time ago I mentioned devoting Thursdays to updates on our adoption process. Evidently, I’ve not done so. As of yet, there’s nothing I can report.

The paperwork lingered on a desk in my room. For some reason I couldn’t complete it without a clear picture of how I wanted our family to evolve. After a lot of time and experiences with a variety of children coming on weekends while their foster families take a break, I think I know what could work for us.

So the paperwork got done and delivered to my adoption worker. She’s in the midst of completing a few other homestudies. I’m now at the bottom of her list.

Shortly after that conversation, I received a letter in the mail from the supervisor of the adoption department. It was a general mailout encouraging me not to lose hope as I go through the process. She also mentioned applications will be expedited for those seeking to adopt older and/or special needs children as well as sibling groups. Being open to all three categories, I should find myself rocketing through the adoption process. In stead we’re lumbering along as though time is of no consequence. Children wait in foster care. I wait to go through the motions (since adopting Raine & Athena I have not become a convicted felon but still background checks must be made again in every city I’ve lived in). My daughters wait for new siblings.

The girls and I have an idea of what we want. I’m doing what I can to get us there. Basically it boils down to waiting with grace.

Canada’s child welfare system is a cumbersome system that moves at snail’s pace. Others have lost heart and abandoned the lengthy and often frustrating process of adoption through children’s aid. Some choose not to attempt it despite a desire to parent through adoption. Here I am wading into the water and trying to convince others to come with me.

It may be futile. It may come to nothing in the end. After being approved we may not ever be matched with a child or children. But as long as children in my own country need to be adopted, I can’t turn away. So I’ll keep waiting with grace.

Today and Everyday I Am Thankful

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Today is thanksgiving. There are many things I’m thankful for. My daughters, of course, and our amazing life. This year I’m struck by the family and friends surrounding us. In deciding to pursue foster care and adoption as a way of life, I counted the cost. I knew full well the sacrifice involved. Gladly, I lay down my own desires and pursuits in favour of parenting children I did not birth. Sometimes gracefully, sometimes not, I deal with problems I did not create – like prenatal exposure to drugs and alcohol. I do this because I’m compelled to fulfill the great commission in this manner.

This is not the ministry most of my friends and family have chosen. Still, by association with me, they are drawn in. It’s messy, challenging, and frustrating most of the time. It’s Christmas dinners served in my pj’s because my teenage foster child forgot to take her medication and I didn’t realize until we’d spent a horrific morning trying to get the turkey ready. It’s holes in my walls and knifed wallpaper (something my then 4yr old managed with a butter knife). It’s a child who takes her cough to the extreme, overpowering any conversations around the Thanksgiving dinner table. It’s buying gifts for children you’ve never met and may never see again. It’s me being tired and depleted all the time. It’s me forgetting to confirm whether or not I need you to babysit. It’s things like this that my family and friends are drawn into.

I’ve chosen this wonderfully unusual life. They haven’t. But I am eternally grateful that they have chosen to love me and all that I’m trying to do. I love that I have friends who choose to donate their time to my business. I have family who respond by saving, “It’s wonderful to have a full table,” when I say my friend’s three foster children will be joining us for Thanksgiving. I have friends who drop by with banana bread or a dozen buns when I suddenly find myself with two extra little ones. I have friends who invite us back after Raine has a complete meltdown – hitting her sister and informing all of us that I’m not her mother so she doesn’t have to listen to me. I have friends who come by in the evenings when kids are asleep because I really can’t get out.

When I chose this life, I didn’t consider what it would cost the people in my life. Thankfully they have been willing to pay the price for me to pursue the calling on my life. I am grateful for the support and encouragement they offer. I am grateful for their willingness to accommodate my unusual life. I am grateful that they consider it to be as wonderful as I do. Thank you.

I Like a Quiet House

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A friend of mine is considering fostering. It’s a dream that’s been on her heart for a long time. As we discussed it in the presence of her son, his response made me think.

“I like a quiet house,” he gave as the reason he wasn’t fully on board.
“So do I,” was my response when I was done laughing.

As a quiet, contemplative person, I love a quiet house. It’s something I long for and032 work hard to get. Still, with two very loud children, it isn’t generally achieved.

Life as a foster mom is much louder than I ever imagined. I don’t really like that.

As my friend pointed out her son, it isn’t always what we want that’s important.

It’s a well known fact that I’m a foster/adoptive parent. My daughters are quick to explain to perfect strangers how they became mine. I’m continually surprised by the number of people who tell me, “I’ve always wanted to adopt,” or “I really feel like God’s calling me to foster.” My answer is always, “You should!” If it’s God calling, you definitely should.

In reality most of these people won’t adopt or foster. Most will choose the comfort of a quiet home, a predictable life, safe encounters where there’s little chance of heart break.

After encouraging people to pursue fostering/adopting most answer, “It would break my heart to have kids leave.” Yes, it really might. Even if it doesn’t – because sometimes kids going isn’t all that hard – you will be required to sacrifice. It may be a quiet home, a part of your heart, the lifestyle you enjoy, or any other number of luxuries.

I do like a quiet & tidy house. Without special/high needs kids I could have that. Instead I’ve chosen to dive deep into a world full of turmoil and pain. It isn’t always easy or fun. But, pushing against the concern for comfort that dominates our culture, I’ve decided to make the sacrifice. You could, too.

The Truth About Mother’s Day

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Now that the fanfare’s over, let’s be honest. Mother’s Day can lightstock_82211_max_user_637824be hard for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.

At breakfast Raine asked if I thought her birth mother was sad when she lost her. “I’m sure she was sad,” I answered. “Losing a child is very sad.”

“Do you think she cried?” was the next question. No doubt she did. She may even have been crying yesterday.

There are so many others who mourn on Mother’s Day – women who haven’t been able to have biological children. A friend in my teen years was adopted. Occasionally his mom and I would sit down for a cup of tea. I’ll never forget the day she broke down crying. She was completely devoted to her four adopted children. But there was still a sting that she hadn’t been able to give birth to them herself. Then there are women who have never obtained the title of mother in any form.

I read a post about one woman’s church asking moms to stand on Sunday. Flowers were given out in celebration of Mother’s Day. The past few years my church has given a donation to a charity caring for women in lieu of gifts on Mother’s Day. But when there were gifts, they went to all women over 18yrs. I remember the years of longing before I became a mom. I can imagine the sadness of being singled out on an already difficult day.

Then there’s the reality that, for some, there isn’t much to celebrate about their mothers. The truth is parents fail. Some in small ways, but others do so completely. Being a foster parent, I know this all too well. Not only do some parents fail to provide the love and security needed while their children grow up, they also fail to provide an example worth replicating. So, when grown, who do you turn to for advice? Who do you imitate as you raise your own kids? Besides being nothing like your parents, how do you know you’re doing a good job?

If your mom’s failed in big ways, a day celebrating her might just be too much. That’s the truth.

So if you know of someone in any of these situations, maybe next year ask them or the Lord how you can ease the pain of Mother’s Day. As glorious as it is for many, the day falls short of happy for more people than you realize. This year, for the first time, we were able to move past the pain and enjoy being a family. Praying for you if that wasn’t the case. Praying the God of all comfort will wrap you in His arms. Let Him reveal to you, the truth that you are loved.

Growing Family

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As you know, I have two wonderful – and unusual – daughters. Raine is 6 and Athena 4 ½. When Raine came to me, 3mths before her sister, I already had Sabrina* who was 15 (a glimpse into our life). Shortly after Athena’s arrival, 10yr old Megan* joined our family. All four girls were foster children stuck in the system. For two years we were a family of 5. Then Sabrina turned 18 and Megan decided she needed to move on (based on this incident).

For the first time ever, this past summer, it was just us 3 – Raine, Athena, and I. That was our family. Technically it had been since the adoption occurred. But we’d never really been on our own. It took us all a while to adjust (see Progress Report). Since then we’ve had lots of time on our own. Lately foster children have been coming and going at breakneck speed with long intervals in between.

Mother of two is not how I imagined my life. I’m the oldest of four and thought I’d have at least that many kids of my own. As much as I love my girls, when it’s just us our family doesn’t feel complete. Before Christmas my heart started expanding with the idea of adopting again.

Each night I try to spend a bit of time with my girls while tucking them in. They’re in separate rooms and really appreciate this one on one time at the end of their day. Not knowing my inner musing, one night at bedtime they both said, “When are the new adopted kids coming?” Raine went on to clarify, “I don’t mean more foster kids. I mean adopted kids who stay here forever and get to have the same last name as us.”

“Would you like to have more adopted kids in our family?” I asked both of them – separately.

“Yes!” was the uniform answer (given separately since this occurred in two separate conversations).

Seems their hearts are ready as well. Until this past Tuesday it remained a thought and topic of discussion in our own family and with a few friends.

I was nervous to meet with my adoption worker. After our initial meeting, she came to recognize the unusual skill set I bring to the table as an adoptive parent. She even testified at the hearing where I petitioned to keep Raine and Athena. But…..I am single with two sometimes high needs kids. Finances were of concern when I completed my first adoption homestudy. At that point I was working part time as well as fostering. Now I’m home, building Believe, and benefiting from a government subsidy.

These two factors, I was sure, would disqualify me. I chatted about the changes in our life since I’d last seen my adoption worker – Sabrina turning 18 and moving out, Megan moving on, homeschooling, etc.

“And you want to do it all again?” she asked.

“Yes.” I prayed she’s see through the facts into the truth of who I am and what I’m capable of.

“Ok,” she answered, passing me a stack of paperwork.

After she explained all that, came the question, “What’s your dream?”

“My real dream…..” (there’s always a safe answer, but I decided to be completely honest) “……is an older child – maybe 8yrs old – and a baby.”

“You’d like two more?” Instead of shock, her face was full of excitement. Even with the government initiated subsidy, people are reluctant to adopt older children and/or sibling groups.

“Raine and Athena have a shared history and biological connection. They’re very much aware of that,” I explained. “I think it would be ideal if we could add another sibling group. That way they’ll have that same connection.”

There are best practice guidelines for adoption. Within Ontario, one is preservation of birth order. So my adoption worker’s next query was along the lines of an older child adoption.

In no way is Raine accustomed to being an older child. In her birth family, she’s the fourth born. When she came to me, there was Sabrina and very soon Megan who were older. It’s been difficult for Raine to come to grips with being the oldest child in our family. In our discussions she repeatedly comments about the “new adopted kid” being older than her.

“And I’m the middle,” Athena often says. Even when she and Raine are lined up to get out of the van and she’s last in line. Athena, the baby of her birth family and here since she’s arrived, is convinced she’s a middle child.

My explanation about Raine opened the adoption worker’s eyes to our unusual family dynamics. Immediately her mind started racing with children about to be available for adoption. “Oh, but you’re not even ready yet,” she commented, pointing to all the paper work.

Not yet. But we will be soon enough.

I began blogging after I’d completed my adoption homestudy. And, as mentioned (Why Wonderfully Unusual?), Raine & Athena’s adoption was quite unusual. I’m hoping this one will be more typical and would like to walk you through the process. Thursdays will be my adoption update days. Be sure to follow Wonderfully Unusual so you don’t miss out on hearing about how this unfolds.