Category Archives: Christian

Beauty for Ashes

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The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1-3

Adoption is an opportunity for the Lord to bring beauty for ashes. It can be difficult and messy, but there’s a distinct beauty as lives are woven together.

I have a friend who passionately advocates for international adoption. Her heart goes out to special needs children discarded because of their conditions. A great deal of factors go into that decision. It’s not as clear cut as you might think. Some families are unable to meet the financial requirements of medical care. With heavy hearts, they relinquish their child to an orphanage able to cover the costs. Whatever the reason, I don’t expect the decision is an easy one.

This week I became aware of an infant in my own country needing to be adopted. Because of his special needs, his family are unable to care for him. Canada has an exceptional government funded medical system. So it’s not the cost of medical care that’s brought these parents to this point.

Raising a child with special needs costs more than most people realize. For each family and situation the requirements vary to some degree. But without a doubt, it’s not an easy task. Perhaps this family is more realistic than most – recognizing their own limitations and reaching for something better on behalf of their child.

After a bit of investigation into the matter, I realize I’m not the parent for Male hands with babythis baby. I’m praying for the family the Lord has prepared for him. I pray their paths cross quickly and effortlessly. I pray the Lord will bind up the broken hearts of his birth family. I pray he and his adoptive family are knit together – making true, lasting connections. I pray that he is loved and able to accomplish everything the Lord has planned for him. I pray he encounters the joy of the Father who created him. Praying he is clothed in beauty as he journeys through life.

 

Not What I Expected

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Tonight I asked 6yr old Sloane* to sweep the kitchen. It’s a chore she’s been dreaming of since she arrived three years ago. But actually doing it

spunky Sloane

spunky Sloane

didn’t hold her interest for long. After running upstairs to deal with another situation, I came down to find only half the room done. Sloane had moved on to something else.

I called her back and said, “You only swept half the kitchen.”

“Yeah,” she answered, “I didn’t know what you were expecting.”

“I was expecting it all to be done.”

“Well, that’s not what I was planning on.”

This exchange sums up my life in ways I can’t begin to explain. As mentioned in my last post (March Madness), we had a 3yr old foster boy with us for the past ten days. The social worker and his foster mom described him as very shy and withdrawn. I worried how he’d fare in my boisterous household. Turns out he was anything but quiet. He dominated the atmosphere of our home. In a negative way he changed everything. For the first time I was at a loss. I had no idea how to curb all the behaviours. Most importantly – for me – I had no idea how to get him to sleep. He simply wouldn’t most nights. His foster mom said bedtime was easy. It was not so for me.

We muddled through then something shifted on Thursday. After another difficult visit with a foster mom friend, things got better. A comment she made changed my perspective. “He’s too young to have that scary look.” There were moments the look in his eyes struck terror in both of us. It was frightening.

I must admit I’m not always objective. Once I had a 13yr old pregnant foster child staying with me. Doing her laundry I was at first appalled by the lacy lingerie. Then I remembered, someone had bought this for her. Probably it was her mother who obviously wasn’t doing a very good job watching over her.

With everything thrown at foster parents sometimes you, or at least I, forget the kids are the victims. They didn’t choose this. Eric*, the visiting 3yr old, didn’t invite that level of anger into his heart. Someone else put it there. So I started praying it off. His temper tantrums became less prevalent. Joy began overtaking him. There were still trials – especially when we went to visit another friend of mine. Like Sloane, social settings seem to be a challenge for Eric.

In our final days together, he followed me around saying, “What are you doing mom?” I’d tell him and he’d chatter away. Apparently he doesn’t talk much at his regular foster home. “Every once in a while he’ll sing and I love hearing it because he’s happy,” the foster mom said when dropping him off. He sang, laughed, and smiled lots. In the end he was very happy.

Nothing about him was what I expected. But, in my case, life rarely is what I expected.

those eyes

those eyes

He left a few hours ago. I kind of miss him. Maybe we could have made more progress had we been together longer. I don’t know. But at least, in the midst of all the anger and chaos, I found his heart. Praying as he’s loved and cared for at his regular foster home, Eric continues to move past the inherited anger fighting to keep him. Praying he finds the courage to love.

*name changed

 

Open Adoption (Part 1)

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Openness is a growing trend in foster care adoptions. It can be scary. A typical private adoption consists of a young mom realizing her own limitations and choosing another family to parent her child. This is agreed to be a selfless act of love. Openness sounds like a great idea in these fairy tale situations.

Events leading to a child being in foster care are dark and sorrowful – nothing like the turn of events described above. Parents rarely choose adoption for their children in foster care. Generally it’s something forced by the court when all efforts at reunification have been exhausted. Birth parents do have to sign legal documents, but it’s not really a voluntary surrendering of their child or children. These kids were forcibly taken – almost without fail for good reason.

Understandably adoptive parents would be leery of openness in these type of situations. However, it is a growing expectation in the case of foster care adoptions. Sometimes it’s not the birth parents but other members of the birth family you’re expected to keep in contact with.

My daughters’ story is somewhat unique. Their birth parents are mostly far away in the US. Since the girls came to me as foster children, I got to know their birth grandmother and her new husband. They live about 1hr away and would visit the kids when they were in foster care. After some supervision, the social worker decided the grandparents could take the children out in the community instead of always meeting at the Children’s Aid Office. That led to them picking the kids up from my home.

Their grandmother and step-grandfather are an amazing Christian couple. They were overjoyed when I adopted their granddaughters. The adoption came with the agreement that I would maintain contact with the grandparents as I saw fit. That meant anything from a yearly update and pictures mailed to the agency or their home to ongoing visits. There was not a regimented visit schedule put in place like when the girls were in foster care – though in some adoption cases there may be. Defining openness was left up to me.

It took awhile for Sloane* to come to terms with our new definition of family. For months she argued that my parents couldn’t be her grandparents because she already had grandparents and “kids only get one like only one mom and one dad – except for me I have two moms. The mom I grew in, and the mom who adopted me.” My explanation that most kids have two sets of grandparents didn’t convince Sloane. Finally I went with her logic, “Because you’re adopted and now have two moms, you also get two grandmas and two grandpas.” She agreed to that.

Adopting as a single person, I’m acutely aware of what my kids miss out on. Being unmarried, there are things I miss out on too. Having an open adoption has given my daughters two sets of grandparents instead of just one. It’s given me in-laws of sorts – in the best way. At our first meeting after the adoption took place, Sloane asked her grandmother to pour her some more juice. “We’ll have to ask your mom about that,” Sandra* answered. It was a small thing, but meant the world. She recognizes my position as the girls’ mother. This is not an easy transition considering she’s known them since birth as belonging to her own daughter.

We get together when we can – to celebrate holidays, birthdays, and just catch up. Sandra calls from time to time. Our relationship goes beyond the children. We’ve become a sort of family.

Usually when I mention this connection, people’s first question is, “Why didn’t the grandmother get custody?” Kinship care – where biological family or close friends/community members care for children instead of having them in foster care and/or adopted – is considered to be preferable. In this case, for reasons you needn’t know, the grandmother didn’t feel she could manage raising her granddaughters. We all rejoice that I get that privilege.

*name changed

in families

Just My Type

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Today my daughter, Sloane*, turns 6. She’s brave and fearless. Social workers cower in her presence. More than one has said, “I’m afraid of what she’ll be like as a teenager.” Let me declare with absolute certainty – I am not afraid! I’m incredibly excited for the teenager Sloane will become.

It’s hard being a kid – especially for someone as powerful as Sloane. Long before she came, long before she was born, the Lord gave me a glimpse of the call on her life. She’ll need to be fearless, I realized. My prayers that she’d be completely free of the fear of man have been answered ten fold. Sometimes that’s good. When I told Sloane how nervous I was preparing to speak at church (see The Single Life) she couldn’t understand why. Other times it’s not so good. My friend was watching Sloane recently. Sloane hit her little boy with a bat. My friend’s husband – who is a fairly intimidating man – told Sloane to give him the bat. She stared him down to see if he was really serious. Thankfully he didn’t back down. Eventually Sloane relented, but without a trace of fear or intimidation. She just knew she’d met someone who needed to be obeyed. That’s the role I play in her life. I’m someone who needs to be obeyed. Most of the time she does just that.

I love who Sloane is – she’s just my type.

A birthday tradition at our home is a new outfit (usually a dress) with the WP_001002 child’s age painted on. I found this shirt saying just my type quite some time ago and knew it was the perfect birthday shirt for Sloane. I turned it into a lengthy dress which she’s very excited about. This mommy favours long dresses and Sloane wants to be like me.

Just after her 3rd birthday Sloane came to me. Soon I will have known her for 1/2 her life. Though there are challenges, I strive to look past the present and see where the Lord wants to take Sloane (and me…..we’re on this journey together, after all!)

I’ve loved her as a 3yr old, a 4yr old, a 5yr old, and will love her forever more. I look forward to the day she can step into her dreams. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together. I understand Sloane’s frustration in waiting.

Recently I was watching a documentary on food scarcity in America called, Room at the Table. Knowing she’s American, Sloane was especially interested in the heartbreaking stories. It wasn’t long before she had a solution to the problem. “People need to grow their own food. The kids at school could do it then take the food home for their moms to cook.” Effortlessly she executed a plan for getting organic seeds to schools and teaching kids to grow. It was a brilliant plan! Detail oriented, Sloane had it all figured out. That was last month – when she was 5.

Sloane is always exploding with business and humanitarian ideas. I understand. That’s how I’ve always been. Though I love my daughter immensely and enjoy the stage she’s at now, I look forward to when she’s a teenager. I’m eager to help bring some of her dreams into reality.

In the meantime we’ll keep on dreaming.

Sloane, you really are just my type. Happy Birthday!

*name changed

the birthday girl in the dress I sort of made

the birthday girl in the dress I sort of made

The Single Life

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Recently I was invited to share at my church’s young adult’s group. The topic was “The Joy of Being Single”. Not much of a speaker, I wrote everything down (including my prayers) and read directly from my notes. Still the words seemed to make a positive impact. I am deeply grateful to my friend, who leads the group along with her husband. Thanks to their invitation I’ve been able to gather my thoughts on being a single Christian woman.

I’ve included my entire message. I warn you it’s long. But thought you might enjoy it – especially if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day alone.

woman holding hot cup of coffee, with heart shape

Let’s open in prayer. Holy Spirit, thank you for the opportunity to share tonight. I pray You would move beyond my limitations to the heart of this matter. Father God, I ask You to bring a revelation of Your Son to the deepest parts of our heart. Jesus, we want to align ourselves as Your bride, Your beloved, Your chosen one. Remove anything keeping us from fully living there. Amen

Since I’m single, I get to talk to you about the joy of being single. I’m nearly 37. That seems so old to me. Sometimes I can’t believe I’ve been around that long. I’ve never been married. I’ve never had sex. You wouldn’t believe it now, but there was a time when I had my fair share of offers.

Growing up, I kind of expected to get married. But I didn’t make that my primary focus. Instead, I devoted myself to serving the Lord. I’ve never spent much time waiting for a man to come along – not that I wouldn’t welcome the right one if he did come along. But I believe the Lord has a plan for my life. If marriage hasn’t happened, there’s something else He has for me in this season. And I really don’t think it’s to my benefit, or the Lord’s, for me to waste time pining for something that may or may not happen. Nor am I going to waste time with frivolous dating or hooking up.

In my early 20’s, after being heart broken by the end of a very beautiful and godly romance, Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7 shook things up for me.

Let me read verse 8-9 in 1 Corinthians 7:

Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Better to marry than to burn with passion, is something I’ve heard preached and quoted many a time. I’ve yet to hear anyone focus on the fact that Paul says “It is good to stay unmarried.” We live in a culture obsessed with romantic love. Sadly, the church isn’t much better. Too often love is really nothing more than lust. According to the apostle Paul, it’s good to be single.

Sometimes in life, especially, the Christian world, being single is looked upon as a problem to be solved. Too often, singles are waiting for their life to begin. We’ve bought into the idea that marriage is God’s ultimate goal for our lives. It may be society’s stamp of approval – but it’s not the Lord’s.

If there are issues in your heart or your personal life that make you a poor candidate for marriage, by all means deal with those things. Bring yourself to a healthy places. Deal with past pain or fear because of the example of marriage you saw growing up. Don’t hinder yourself if marriage is something the Lord’s put on your heart. Don’t choose to be single if that’s not the Lord’s intention for you. Do the necessary work to heal your heart so that you’re ready.

But if you’ve dealt with all of that and you’re still single, hear me very clearly. The Lord is not displeased with you. He is not holding out on you. He’s not keeping you from the good life. He has you in this season for a specific reason. I don’t say that lightly. You are not called to sit around waiting for love to show up on your doorstep. You are called to advance the kingdom of God. For reasons you may never understand, the Lord has determined you can best do that as a single person right now. That’s not to say, you won’t marry. If that is His intention for your life, a mate will come when He sees fit. In the meantime let’s get busy advancing.

When I was 10 the Lord put the dream of adopting on my heart. He did so by showing me the beginning verses of Isaiah 54.

“Sing, barren woman,
you who never bore a child;
burst into song, shout for joy,
you who were never in labor;
because more are the children of the desolate woman
than of her who has a husband,”
says the Lord.
2 “Enlarge the place of your tent,
stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back;
lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
3 For you will spread out to the right and to the left;
your descendants will dispossess nations
and settle in their desolate cities.

4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.

As I grew up, the Lord continually confirmed His call on my life to be a mother. I hoped it would be with a husband. But I knew, I couldn’t let that stand in my way. The Lord called me with the possibility of me literally being the barren woman, her without a husband, spoken of in Isaiah.

For the past five years I’ve been a foster parent. I raised one special needs child through adolescence and into adulthood. 1 ½ ago I adopted two little girls who came to me as foster children. Sloane* is nearly 6 and Elise* is 4. They’ve been with me almost three years now.

Just before they came, the Lord, my husband, worked a miracle for me to be able to buy a house. It’s huge. When I first started looking for a home, I expected to end up in something very modest. But my house really was an enlarging of my tent as talked of in Isaiah. Shortly after I got the house, the Lord filled it.

Now with my two daughters, I’m following the Lord as He leads me into the next phase of life for us. I’ve built a life for myself and my children. I’ve not done it in the conventional way.

In case you’re wondering about the legitimacy of me adopting while single, the New Testament talks a lot about us being adopted into the family of God. But the only picture of adoption in the natural is Moses. He was spared from death and adopted by Pharoh’s daughter. Neither the Bible nor historical accounts indicate she was married. By all appearances she was a single woman. That’s who God chose to raise the man who would lead His people out of slavery. My kids may not grow up to do anything that significant, but I qualify as their mom. It’s in the Bible.

As I said, I live far from ordinary. Some of you need to start thinking outside of the box when it comes to your own life.

The Lord isn’t hindered by your singlehood. You might be – but He isn’t. Misty Edwards made a comment recently when she was speaking at the One Thing Conference. She said, “Some of you are so preoccupied with the idol of being married one day and hopefully that’s going to solve all your problems.” I’m sure any married person you know will confirm, getting married does not solve all your problems. It creates a whole new set of them. Paul mentions this in 1 Corinthians 7.  (reading from the Message version):

1 Corinthians 7:32-35

The Message (MSG)

 I want you to live as free of complications as possible. When you’re unmarried, you’re free to concentrate on simply pleasing the Master. Marriage involves you in all the nuts and bolts of domestic life and in wanting to please your spouse, leading to so many more demands on your attention. The time and energy that married people spend on caring for and nurturing each other, the unmarried can spend in becoming whole and holy instruments of God. I’m trying to be helpful and make it as easy as possible for you, not make things harder. All I want is for you to be able to develop a way of life in which you can spend plenty of time together with the Master without a lot of distractions.

The NIV says,

“I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.”

Being single may only be a season. But in this season, I implore you to make the most of the place you’re at. Go after the dreams God’s placed in your heart. Forcefully advance the Kingdom. Live the life the Lord has designed for you today. Don’t waste your time fantasizing about falling in love. Don’t waste your time waiting for a man or woman to walk into your life. Encounter Jesus – today, now, in your present state. Let Him be your husband, your wife. Let Him connect with you. Let Him reveal the glory of the season you’re in. He’s not gritting His teeth trying to get through this to the point when you’re married. Neither should you. There is a specific purpose for the season you’re in. If you need clarity on what it is, press in. Ask Holy Spirit to reveal it to you. If you need help embracing this season, choose to put aside your own mindsets. Step out of the expectations – spoken or unspoken – of the culture you live in. Let the culture of heaven be your compass.

Mike Bickle, from the International House of Prayer, mentioned about a year ago, an increase in the earth of the anointing for celibacy. I’m not going to call you forward if you want that imparted. But if you’re single, it’s an anointing you need. Asking the Lord for it won’t seal your fate – it won’t keep you locked in a single state. But choosing to wallow in the struggle to remain sexually pure, isn’t going to move the hand of God. He’s not going to send you a spouse because He sees you yielding to sin. Single or married, you need Holy Spirit’s intervention to remain pure or regain purity if it’s something you’ve lost.

Like the apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 11:2, I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. The leadership of this ministry are jealous for you with a godly jealousy. The Lord Himself is jealous for you. 2 Corinthians 11:2 goes on to say, “I promised you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure virgin to him.”

Recently this verse rocked me. Father God spoke it right to my heart – I promised you to one husband, to Christ.

Let that sink in for a minute. Guys as well, you are promised to one love – to Christ. Married or single, I encourage you to renew that vow. You have been promised to Christ. As such, live a life worthy of the calling you have received.

In closing, I want to pray over you.

Close your eyes. Take a moment to bring forward any of the issues I’ve touched on that hit home for you.

Maybe you’re carrying shame because you’re still single.

Maybe you’ve made marriage an idol.

Maybe you’ve let go of your purity because you got tired of waiting or couldn’t see the point.

Maybe you’ve been stuck – waiting to get married in order to fulfill the call of God on your life.

Maybe you’ve despised being single. Instead of seeing it as an opportunity you’ve thought of it as a curse.

Whatever resonated with you, or whatever the Lord’s bringing to mind – just release that to Him now.

I’m just going to pray on your behalf and mine.

Father God, I thank you that You are a God of order. With you there is a time for everything and a season for every activity. Forgive me for not fully embracing the season I’m in. I repent for trying to hurry through it or fantasize myself out of it. Every good gift comes for you, Father God. I choose to see being single as a gift. Help me to make the most of this season.

I ask you, Holy Spirit to wash me – body, soul, and spirit – from any trace of shame that’s taken root in my life because I am single. Your word says it’s a good thing. I choose to stop contradicting your Word. Cause my emotions and desires to come into alignment with the season You have me in. I ask for Your anointing so that, whatever the future holds, I can present myself with purity to You, Jesus.

 I step into everything You have for me right now. Forgive me for any times I’ve held back – discrediting myself because I’m single. You do not discredit me. You have specific assignments that I’m only able to complete in this state of singleness. I chose to open my eyes and my heart to see all You have for me.

Instead of looking for a spouse, I vow to look for You – Lord Jesus. I present myself to You today. Walk with me. Reveal Your heart so that I can love you better – and in turn be ready to love my spouse if that is where this journey leads me.

Regardless of the outcome, I declare Your love is enough. You are enough for me. You delight in me as I am. In this season, in this state of being single, You see me as complete. I am completely Yours. Thank you Jesus for the invitation to be wholly and completely Yours. I accept. Amen.

*name changed

two hearts