Tag Archives: attachment

Not What I Expected

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Tonight I asked 6yr old Sloane* to sweep the kitchen. It’s a chore she’s been dreaming of since she arrived three years ago. But actually doing it

spunky Sloane

spunky Sloane

didn’t hold her interest for long. After running upstairs to deal with another situation, I came down to find only half the room done. Sloane had moved on to something else.

I called her back and said, “You only swept half the kitchen.”

“Yeah,” she answered, “I didn’t know what you were expecting.”

“I was expecting it all to be done.”

“Well, that’s not what I was planning on.”

This exchange sums up my life in ways I can’t begin to explain. As mentioned in my last post (March Madness), we had a 3yr old foster boy with us for the past ten days. The social worker and his foster mom described him as very shy and withdrawn. I worried how he’d fare in my boisterous household. Turns out he was anything but quiet. He dominated the atmosphere of our home. In a negative way he changed everything. For the first time I was at a loss. I had no idea how to curb all the behaviours. Most importantly – for me – I had no idea how to get him to sleep. He simply wouldn’t most nights. His foster mom said bedtime was easy. It was not so for me.

We muddled through then something shifted on Thursday. After another difficult visit with a foster mom friend, things got better. A comment she made changed my perspective. “He’s too young to have that scary look.” There were moments the look in his eyes struck terror in both of us. It was frightening.

I must admit I’m not always objective. Once I had a 13yr old pregnant foster child staying with me. Doing her laundry I was at first appalled by the lacy lingerie. Then I remembered, someone had bought this for her. Probably it was her mother who obviously wasn’t doing a very good job watching over her.

With everything thrown at foster parents sometimes you, or at least I, forget the kids are the victims. They didn’t choose this. Eric*, the visiting 3yr old, didn’t invite that level of anger into his heart. Someone else put it there. So I started praying it off. His temper tantrums became less prevalent. Joy began overtaking him. There were still trials – especially when we went to visit another friend of mine. Like Sloane, social settings seem to be a challenge for Eric.

In our final days together, he followed me around saying, “What are you doing mom?” I’d tell him and he’d chatter away. Apparently he doesn’t talk much at his regular foster home. “Every once in a while he’ll sing and I love hearing it because he’s happy,” the foster mom said when dropping him off. He sang, laughed, and smiled lots. In the end he was very happy.

Nothing about him was what I expected. But, in my case, life rarely is what I expected.

those eyes

those eyes

He left a few hours ago. I kind of miss him. Maybe we could have made more progress had we been together longer. I don’t know. But at least, in the midst of all the anger and chaos, I found his heart. Praying as he’s loved and cared for at his regular foster home, Eric continues to move past the inherited anger fighting to keep him. Praying he finds the courage to love.

*name changed

 

Open Adoption (Part 2)

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My last post explained the great relationship I have with my daughters’ maternal birth grandmother and step grandfather (Open Adoption Part 1).

Because of that connection, I do have access to Sloane* and Elise*’s birth parents.

There were a lot of mistakes and shortcomings that led to them loosing their children. Kids in foster care are there for a reason. In this case, addictions played a part. Possibly that’s no longer a factor.

The birth father is far away in the US. For the past two years, the birth mom has been living relatively close by. There’s a bit of guilt that passes through me when I think about that. Just over a year ago, Sloane and I met with her (for details on that see We Belong Together). I said it was a one time deal. In some ways the visit helped. In other ways it hasn’t. Knowing her birth mom is accessible keeps Sloane asking for more contact.

Her birth mom was amazing in explaining Sloane can never return to her. But that doesn’t keep the child from hoping. There’s a strong bond between the two of them that isn’t there with Elise. Sloane came into foster care just before turning 3. She’s as sharp as a tack and remembers so much from the past. Elise, on the other hand, was in foster care from birth. She returned to her birth family just before turning 1. It was a brief reunion that ended in her and Sloane coming into foster care together. There’s a big difference in the way they’ve attached to me and how they see adoption.

It may be right. It may be wrong. But for now I’ve decided to keep the door closed on contact with the birth parents.

Before Christmas I compiled several pictures and wrote a summary of the girls’ year. This package was passed on to their grandmother, Sandra*, to give the birth mother, Becka*.

Recently while talking with Sandra, she mentioned planning to visit the birth father. Sloane and Elise have older siblings who are living with him.

“Would it be ok if I copy some pictures of the girls to give him?” she asked.

“Of course,” I answered.

“I didn’t want to do anything without asking you first.” That right there is why our openness agreement works so well. Without me ever having to say anything, Sandra sees me as the mother of her granddaughters. She respects my position.

When Sloane sees Sandra or speaks with her, she’s drawn back into the past. Her heart begins to bleed all over again for the birth parents and siblings she’s living without. With prayer, love, and time I expect that wound to heal to a greater degree. As she grows, Sloane will gain perspective. At 6yrs old she’s still wishing for a life where, “I always got lots of candy and Lucky Charms.” That’s what she recalls of being with her birth parents. It’s not so with me. Candy is a limited commodity and now that Sloane’s completely off wheat Lucky Charms are out of the question. Maybe it wasn’t so with her birth family, but that’s how she remembers it.

As a parent everyday I make hundreds of decisions that will impact my kids now and in the future. With that responsibility comes a great deal of insecurity. “Am I making the right choice?” I wonder all day long. In the case of contact with birth parents, I don’t know. But I appreciate the opportunity to chose. Openness to any degree can be an amazing gift to children and birth families. For now the extent of our openness with the girls’ birth parents will be pictures and letters I’ll send through their grandmother. In the future that might change. It might not.

*name changed

Just My Type

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Today my daughter, Sloane*, turns 6. She’s brave and fearless. Social workers cower in her presence. More than one has said, “I’m afraid of what she’ll be like as a teenager.” Let me declare with absolute certainty – I am not afraid! I’m incredibly excited for the teenager Sloane will become.

It’s hard being a kid – especially for someone as powerful as Sloane. Long before she came, long before she was born, the Lord gave me a glimpse of the call on her life. She’ll need to be fearless, I realized. My prayers that she’d be completely free of the fear of man have been answered ten fold. Sometimes that’s good. When I told Sloane how nervous I was preparing to speak at church (see The Single Life) she couldn’t understand why. Other times it’s not so good. My friend was watching Sloane recently. Sloane hit her little boy with a bat. My friend’s husband – who is a fairly intimidating man – told Sloane to give him the bat. She stared him down to see if he was really serious. Thankfully he didn’t back down. Eventually Sloane relented, but without a trace of fear or intimidation. She just knew she’d met someone who needed to be obeyed. That’s the role I play in her life. I’m someone who needs to be obeyed. Most of the time she does just that.

I love who Sloane is – she’s just my type.

A birthday tradition at our home is a new outfit (usually a dress) with the WP_001002 child’s age painted on. I found this shirt saying just my type quite some time ago and knew it was the perfect birthday shirt for Sloane. I turned it into a lengthy dress which she’s very excited about. This mommy favours long dresses and Sloane wants to be like me.

Just after her 3rd birthday Sloane came to me. Soon I will have known her for 1/2 her life. Though there are challenges, I strive to look past the present and see where the Lord wants to take Sloane (and me…..we’re on this journey together, after all!)

I’ve loved her as a 3yr old, a 4yr old, a 5yr old, and will love her forever more. I look forward to the day she can step into her dreams. God knew what He was doing when He brought us together. I understand Sloane’s frustration in waiting.

Recently I was watching a documentary on food scarcity in America called, Room at the Table. Knowing she’s American, Sloane was especially interested in the heartbreaking stories. It wasn’t long before she had a solution to the problem. “People need to grow their own food. The kids at school could do it then take the food home for their moms to cook.” Effortlessly she executed a plan for getting organic seeds to schools and teaching kids to grow. It was a brilliant plan! Detail oriented, Sloane had it all figured out. That was last month – when she was 5.

Sloane is always exploding with business and humanitarian ideas. I understand. That’s how I’ve always been. Though I love my daughter immensely and enjoy the stage she’s at now, I look forward to when she’s a teenager. I’m eager to help bring some of her dreams into reality.

In the meantime we’ll keep on dreaming.

Sloane, you really are just my type. Happy Birthday!

*name changed

the birthday girl in the dress I sort of made

the birthday girl in the dress I sort of made

Breaking Through

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The One who breaks open the way will go up before them;
they will break through the gate and go out.
Their King will pass through before them,
the Lord at their head.   Micah 2:13

In January my pastor names the year for our congregation. 2013 focused on the Lord of the breakthrough depicted in Micah 2:13. As encouraged by this past Sunday’s message I’m taking a moment to reflect on the breakthroughs this past year.

January 2013 – received adoption finalization from the court. The adoption worker was quite tardy in filing the paperwork. The expected date was March or April 2013. But when the court received the file it flew through the necessary chains.

February 2013 – I met with Sloane* & Elise’s* birth mom. She blessed me beyond belief. At a second meeting, Sloane saw her one last time and received a blessing to move forward (see We Belong Together).

August 2013 – After a message at church reminding us of this year’s theme, I went home to hear Mike Bickle’s call to fasting for breakthrough. I wholeheartedly support fasting but have never exerted much effort in the area. It was high time I did. There were so many things requiring breakthrough in my life. When Sabrina* turned 18 in July I left the private fostering agency to work directly with Children’s Aid (see Ready? Set? Go!). The change came with a significant pay cut which is fine because I’ve never been in it for the money. After several weeks of waiting there were no calls. I fasted not to force the hand of God, but to better hear Him by clearing away the clutter in my own life.

The fast didn’t bring the marked breakthrough I was hoping. In it came a gentle nudge towards homeschooling for Sloane.

September 2013 – Elise began Junior Kindergarten at the public school down the street. Sloane stayed home with me for Senior Kindergarten (see Back to School). Since starting school the previously year, Sloane gradually stopped using the toilet. Come December 2012 she was back in diapers/pull ups all the time. Had the adoption been finalized in September, I would have pulled her out of school. But it wasn’t. So we muddled through. I tried everything. Nothing worked. Being home in the summer didn’t make a difference. But a few weeks into September she was back on track with toileting! It sounds like a small thing, but it was really big. Her anger and defiance was driving a wedge between us.

Homeschooling Sloane has helped us establish a deeper bond. Things really derailed when the adoption

Putting my curlers in her hair, "so I can look like momma!"

Putting my curlers in her hair, “so I can look like momma!”

got underway. It’s been a trying time with and for Sloane. But we’re coming through. Being home together has brought a huge breakthrough. She is becoming secure in our connection.

November 2013 – Sloane is discovered to already be a Canadian citizen!!!!! There were many delays caused by the adoption worker in securing Sloane’s citizenship. Born in the US to American parents, Sloane required citizenship in Canada where we reside. March 2013 I found out the adoption worker had done nothing despite having repeatedly told me the process was nearly complete. At that point it looked like it would be well over 3 years before completion. I was furious. Contact with the immigration lawyer was “graciously turned over” to me by the adoption worker’s supervisor. I remained frustrated. Despite having legal custody of my daughter, I couldn’t leave the country with her. There have been many technical difficulties in this adoption. The immigration is the best example. I started working directly with the lawyer. More complications arose. More time past. I grew weary in waiting. The 3 year process wouldn’t begin until the paperwork was accepted by the government. When it finally was, the reply came: Sloane is already a Canadian citizen. A name change needs to be completed, but it shouldn’t take long – certainly not 3 years!

Like me, Sloane is passionate about traveling. Neither of us like limitations. In this area the Lord has certainly broken open a way!

December 2013 – Despite significant gains in emotional health and, as a result, behviour Sloane still struggled with huge amounts of anger (see My Legs are Tired, These Days). After seeing a minor display, my mom recommended meeting with a friend of hers for some prayer. The result has been thrilling. Sloane’s guard is down and she’s enjoying life for the first time. This is the most significant breakthrough of all – the answer to a great many prayers.

It would be unrealistic to think that we might come into a season of life where breakthrough means it’s all rainbows and gum drops and there’s not a problem at all. I don’t think that is possible…one of the keys to our advancing in God is learning what a previous generation would have called “counting your blessings”…There’s something about what we carry with us that prophesies to where we’re going. ~ Matt Tapley (from the message, Preserving Breakthrough)

This year has not been all rainbows and gum drops. But the Lord has been breaking through. In the midst of my failures and shortcomings, He is faithful. That’s what I’m taking with me into this new year.

* name changed

The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.  1 Thessalonians 5:24

Counting my blessings….naming them one by one…….

Sloane (photo courtesy of Shannon Guiler)

Sloane* (photo courtesy of Shannon Guiler)

DSC_7078

Elise* (photo courtesy of Shannon Guiler)

These Days

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Please don’t confront me with my failures,

I had not forgotten them.

These Days by Nico

I’m part of a prayer ministry at my church. Most Mondays I listen to people pour out their hearts. My job is to facilitate dialogue between them and God. It’s incredibly exciting. I love partnering with Holy Spirit. In conjunction with a conference at church ministry appointments were being offered this past Friday. We had a trusted team visiting to help cover all the requests. Two people who’d booked appointments didn’t show up. That led to myself and another team member receiving ministry from one of the visitors.

Sloane - November 2011

Sloane – November 2011

The struggles with Sloane* were my focus. Sometimes it seems like we’re making progress then it all comes apart again. Our prayer model took a back seat. “The fact is you’ve purchased damaged goods,” said the woman ministering. Strange as it sounds, relief washed over me. I’ve been falling into the trap of comparing my child to other 5yr olds. Children who weren’t exposed to high doses of prescription drugs in the womb, didn’t spend the first 6wks of life in hospital being weaned off drugs, weren’t neglected, mistreated, abandoned, or any of the other things Sloane’s experienced are much more well adjusted. Sloane is struggling. She is damaged.

Though not biologically connected, Sloane and I are immensely similar. In school work, she won’t even attempt writing a word or letter unless sure she can master it. Anything she might fail at is avoided. It’s been disheartening having my perceived failure on display every time Sloane tantrums, speaks harshly, or acts inappropriately. I read other adoption blogs and hear about how well kids are doing.

Stores used to have a damaged rack (not sure if any still do, I don’t get out much these days). Being crafty and a bargain shopper, I used to peruse these spots. The range of damage went from a small water spot easily removed in the wash to massive unraveled holes in sweaters. Seems Sloane’s on the far end of the continuum.

“Because of all that’s happened, her heart is hard,” the woman went on. “All the love you pour on her isn’t going to get through.” We discussed the necessity of healing for Sloane’s heart. I’ve tried applying some of the strategies I know. “You’re not the one to do it,” was the insight given. “It’s not going to work when you try.”

We prayed through a few things. That night, with the other kids asleep, I prayed with Sloane.

The next, a rainy Saturday, had all the kids out of sorts. After some early morning shopping, we were home. I was trying to dish out cheesies (a terrible impulse buy while out). Sloane had been stirring up trouble over the treat. After several warnings I gave her rice crackers instead.

“You idiot!” she screamed her new favourite word. “I’m not having this!” Slamming down the bowl some crackers tumbled to the floor. Sloane jumped up, ran from the table to the counter and deposited the bowl with the remaining crackers. On her run back to the table, amidst ongoing screaming – things like, “You better get me what I want right now!” – her foot landed on a shard of cracker. It lodged in the bottom of her foot. In slow motion I watched as blood began shooting out. Mildly distracted from her rant, as though a fly had landed on her, Sloane looked down at the floor speckled with blood. I rushed over, trying to pick her up. Her body went stiff. Remembering her rage, she resisted. Pushing and kicking she vehemently told me to, “Get away!”

Not my shining moment as mother, I said, “Fine. Handle this on your own. I really want to help you, but if you don’t want me to I won’t.” Looking away, I got the first aid kit. She sat on a kitchen chair trying to scoop up the falling blood with her hands. Wailing, eventually she admitted her inadequacy. I pulled the cracker out and will spare you the gory details. As I worked, we remained at an impasse. Sloane’s body was rigid and her tone harsh. I must admit, she wears me down. Too often there’s an edge in my voice. As her mom, I want to pull her close. She’ll have none of it, so I point out the fact that she wouldn’t have cut her foot on a cracker if she hadn’t been freaking out.

The other children ate their bowls of cheesies, watching the show. I let them have more and more to keep them quiet and settled. They ate Sloane’s rejected crackers. They begged for more food. Snack was shut down when the blood was cleaned off the floor (they weren’t really hungry but trying to cope in their own way).

Her foot is fine, though she brings it up when I ask her to do something she’d rather not. This is not the result I was expecting after my ministry time and the prayers I prayed with Sloane. As always, I’m confronted by my own failures. After such ordeals I spend senseless energy thinking of how I should have done better. Still I keep failing to be the demure, compassionate mother I want to be.

"All mommy's necklaces!" July 2011

“All mommy’s necklaces!” July 2011

All the children in bed, I’m lamenting with the song, These Days. I’d like these days to end. I bring my inadequacies to the Lord. He’s the only one who can break through and repair the damage.

Though currently true, damaged is not Sloane’s permanent state. My daughter is one who overcomes. There’s a new name for her. No longer damaged or out of control. These days will give way to the glory God has planned for her.

 “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes I will give some of the hidden manna to eat. And I will give him a white stone, and on the stone a new name written which no one knows except him who receives it.”’

Revelation 2:17 (NKJV)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

determination - July 2011

June 2011 – Determination! Sloane believed the only place to be was on top of her play house. Despite my discouragement, she scaled the plastic walls.