On My Way

Last night I couldn’t sleep. My mind raced with everything yet to be done.

sipping coffee from my California mug (a gift from a friend after her recent trip)

sipping coffee from my California mug (a gift from a friend after her recent trip)

This morning I woke frightfully early, pulled myself out of bed and got to work. At 11am I leave for 6 days in California. Since becoming a mom my trips have been brief – I’ve not been away from my kids for more than a weekend – and primarily within Canada.

I’m excited to be going somewhere completely new. California has always been on my list of places to visit. A lover of old movies, many times I’ve watched characters drive along the coast and long to do the same. My reason for being in California relates to prayer training. The city I’m headed to is very far from the coast. But hopefully we can fit that in at

my favourite tulips grown along side Queen of the Night black tulips. A stunning pair.

my favourite tulips grown along side Queen of the Night black tulips. A stunning pair.

some point.

My bags are packed. I used to bring an excessive amount of reading material with me whenever I travelled. This time it’s electronics. A GPS, tablet, laptop with exterior fan (since it keeps overheating), and a cellphone are all coming with me. The book I recently began reading is not. It’s a frail paperback printed in the 1960’s not up for the trip. I’m combing through my vast supply of well-loved novels looking for something else to bring. Despite all the technology, I still like a story before bed. And there’s nothing comparable to the look and feel of an actual book.

Some tulips have burst forth to bid me farewell. My daughter, Raine, is

a burst of purple to herald the soon coming lilacs

a burst of purple to herald the soon coming lilacs

ever so excited. “You’re not missing it all,” she shouts when we pass by blossoming tress or the tulips show a bit of colour in the mass of green.

There are a great deal of things being left undone, like weeding the garden. But there are limited hours in the day. Knowing that I’m going, my girls have been quite out of sorts and, therefore, demanding my full attention.

I won’t have any fun stories to share about them this week. But watch for a guest post from my friend who is staying with them. That’s sure to be entertaining. She has a knack for catching the comedy of the situation. Too often I get caught up in the details, like getting dinner on the table or another load of laundry put away.

Well, the children are starting to stir. I still need to print my boarding pass among other things. See you tomorrow in California!

Yesterday Was Plain Awful

Yesterday was plain awful. You can say that again. Yesterday was plain awful.
from the movie Annie

I don’t know what the reason was – maybe the chocolate fondue I served for dinner the night before, maybe the aftermath of Mother’s Day. Whatever the reason, yesterday was plain awful.
There was a new display of paint chips at Canadian Tire. Trying to incorporate colourslearning into every day, I had the kids pick a number and letter. Raine miscalculated. The colour matching her co-ordinates was not what she wanted. She lost it.
For whatever reason, I didn’t have the necessary patience to calm her down. I tried, then gave up. “We’re leaving,” I announced, picking up Athena.
This made it all so much worse. Raine began chasing us through the store with my abandoned shopping cart. “You can’t leave!” she shouted with venom.

It didn’t get much better when we got out of the store. For whatever reason, my patience wore thin. I didn’t respond with kindness or grace. It was plain awful.
Eventually we both pulled ourselves together. At the end of the day, when it was time to list what she’s grateful for, Raine said, “I have a mom who always loves me!”

“How do you know I love you?” was my question.

“Because of all the things you do and say,” she answered. “Really because of the spoon.”

A few months after the adoption was finalized in court, we had a private dedication and party at our home. I gave each of the girls an antique silver spoon engraved with their initials. At first Raine wasn’t too impressed. But it’s become a symbol of my love for her.

There are moments when I feel like I’m doing everything right. Then there are moments when I’m fully aware that I’m failing. Yesterday was compiled of many failures. But I am immensely grateful that a bumpy day doesn’t shake the foundation of love established in Raine.

Yesterday was plain awful. But that’s not now. That’s then.

from the movie Annie

Happy Mother’s Day

 

a recent message from Raine

a recent message from Raine

This is the first time I’m celebrating as only an adoptive mom, not a foster mom. That’s how I first gained the title – mom. Being a foster mom is beautiful and challenging all at once. I didn’t realize how different it would feel becoming an adoptive mom to kids I already loved. It’s been a transition for all of us.

I wonder how my daughters will see their childhood from the vantage of adulthood. What kind of mother will they remember me as?

Although united by the title of “mom”, each of us uniquely defines that relationship.

For me, I tend to get caught up on the natural. I make sure my kids are well dressed, well fed, and live in a nice home. In a way, this helps heal the wounds they still bear from early life. I’ve created a place of stability and comfort to help heal.

There are times I fail in other areas. Sometimes I don’t respond with grace. Sometimes I don’t savour the beauty of the moment we’re in. Sometimes I wish they would just stop talking. I forget how exceptional it is that my daughters adore me and want to interact with me. They crave the love in my gaze. They want to make me smile. They seek to bring me joy.

“This is all I have for you,” Raine said sadly, handing me a folded piece of paper.

A dear friend worked with the girls to give me a lovely potted flower arrangement. But since Raine didn’t buy or create it herself, she doesn’t count that as a proper Mother’s Day gift.

“Your love is all I need,” was my answer.

“Well, you have that,” Raine happily replied.

Raine & Athena on Good Friday modeling the sweaters I made them

Raine & Athena on Good Friday modeling the sweaters I made them

The Love of a Sister

Yesterday, I saw my sister and her family – husband, 4yr old son, and baby on the way – for the first time in a long time. We last visited in February 2013. After 7yrs in western Canada, she’s moved back to Ontario. They’ll be settling about 3hrs away, but that’s much better than a two day drive.

my sister, my nephew, & my girls. So happy to be together.

my sister, my nephew, & my girls. So happy to be together.

We went to a handmade artisan sale at a local winery. I really love this region! A friend from church handcrafts gourmet ice cream. We all enjoyed a taste.

My sister is two years younger than me. The legend goes, when she was born – in the month of May – I insisted upon wearing a snowsuit to meet her in the hospital. My dad brought me and fed me Smarties along the way. I arrived a colourful, chocolate mess wearing a pink snowsuit. Jumping up beside my mom on the hospital bed, I shouted, “Where’s my Jennie Mae?”

My sister and I in 2009 holding a picture of us

My sister and I in 2009 holding a picture of us

Since then we’ve always been the best of friends. Some of our tastes overlap – literature, music, films – while others diverge – fashion, food, fun. Regardless of our differences, having someone who fully accepts me and lovingly challenges me is invaluable. I can’t imagine any portion of my life without my sister.

My own girls, full biological sisters, haven’t always been together. A good portion of their short lives have been spent apart. Because of how much I value my own sister, I’ve worked hard to form a connection for them. It’s grown slowly but I’m happy to say it’s there. While Athena’s at school and Raine enjoys a particular adventure she’ll say, “Can we do this again with my sister?” Now days when I send them upstairs to put their pajamas on, they end up playing joyously together. There was a time when arguments would erupt the moment I was out of sight.

Both of my girls are fiercely competitive. It assaults my senses since I am not. Never did my sister or I complete against each other. It wasn’t in our nature. We worked endlessly to build each other up – offering the other our success at every turn. After resisting for ages, I’ve given in. There are times when I suggest a race if the girls aren’t responsive to my instructions. It works. It’s not helpful in obliterating their competitive edge. Perhaps that’s alright. I’m not sure. It remains a completely foreign concept to me – especially in the context of family. But I’m happy to see more helping than competing between them these days. They’re beginning to experience the love of a sister.

Athena & Raine making sweet potato pie

Athena & Raine making sweet potato pie

I’m Not Giving Up

Today has been an up and down sort of day. There were some great moments

My kids hate posing. This really is the best I have to offer.

My kids hate posing. This really is the best I have to offer.

– like stopping to enjoy the first blooms of the season. We live in an amazing area full of orchards and vineyards. Spring is a glorious season.

There were not so great moments – like when Athena stole another child’s seat at story & craft time. All morning she’d been completely ignoring me and everyone else. As the child, who lost her seat, cried and kind mothers all around tried to convince Athena to shift back to her own spot my daughter pretended not to hear anyone. “You need to get back in your own spot,” I informed her. And she did. So really it wasn’t that bad.

Raine’s melt down when I tried to show her how to knot the string so she could make a necklace certainly was. When she started throwing the glass beads we got from the thrift store, I gathered them up and took them away. That was not well received. A torrent of rage unfurled from her mouth. “I wish there was no such thing as mother’s day! I wish I never made you a card or a bracelet that broke! I don’t ever want to see you again!” The craft at Chapter’s today was a bracelet for mom. The one Raine made broke as I carried bags out of Winner’s.

I didn’t give her words much weight. Holidays are hard – especially Mother’s Day. Thankfully, I was reassured by her words last night.

For about a month we’ve been doing a gratitude journal. At bedtime she tells me 3 things she’s happy about/thankful for. One item on the list must be about a person in her life. Mostly she says, “I have a mom who loves me.” That was 2nd on the list last night. But for her 5th item (there was a lot that made her happy yesterday), she said, “And I have a mom who never, ever, ever, ever gives up on me.”

Praying she always carries that truth with her. Even though there are low times, I’m not giving up.

Bethel Music – This Is What You Do Lyrics

Artist: Bethel Music

Album: The Loft Sessions

Heyo! SONGLYRICS just got interactive. Highlight. Review: RIFF-it.
RIFF-it good.
Play Song

[Featuring: Matt Stinton]

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/bethel-music/this-is-what-you-do-lyrics/#5wBoBpMyphjDVyh3.99

IMG_20140507_134032

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new

Your light is breaking through the dark

This love it is sweeter than wine

Bringing joy, bringing life

Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do

You make me come alive…

Bethel Music

Bethel Music – This Is What You Do Lyrics

Artist: Bethel Music

Album: The Loft Sessions

Heyo! SONGLYRICS just got interactive. Highlight. Review: RIFF-it.
RIFF-it good.
Play Song

[Featuring: Matt Stinton]

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/bethel-music/this-is-what-you-do-lyrics/#5wBoBpMyphjDVyh3.99

Bethel Music – This Is What You Do Lyrics

Artist: Bethel Music

Album: The Loft Sessions

Heyo! SONGLYRICS just got interactive. Highlight. Review: RIFF-it.
RIFF-it good.
Play Song

[Featuring: Matt Stinton]

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

It’s always like springtime with You, making all things new
Your light is breaking through the dark
This love it is sweeter than wine
Bringing joy, bringing life
Your hope is rising like the dawn

This is what You do, this is what You do
You make me come alive

Read more at http://www.songlyrics.com/bethel-music/this-is-what-you-do-lyrics/#5wBoBpMyphjDVyh3.99