Everyday Miracles

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For the next couple of months I’m dog sitting. Not much of a dog person, I don’t

Raine is really excited to help take care of Duke

Raine is really excited to help take care of Duke

mind this one. Four years ago, I watched him perform the impossible right before my eyes.

A 2yr old foster child was with me for 2 weeks while his foster parents were on vacation. He was on an excessive amount of medication for Attention Deficit Disorder – perhaps too much. The child’s eyes were glazed and he was completely lethargic. For two days I tied to connect with him or spark his interest in something. Despite my best efforts he walked around in a fog.

Then Duke arrived. A few minutes after his owner dropped him off, the dog sauntered over to the kitchen table. The little boy was there in a booster seat. His arm hung limply by his side. Duke’s nose nudged the child’s hand. When nothing happened, he kept on gently asking for a response from the boy.

thankfully he doesn't mind doing double duty as a foot rest

thankfully he doesn’t mind doing double duty as a foot rest

Slowly a smile overtook the child’s face. Then – miraculously – his eyes lost the glazed looked. He laughed! And his entire being came to life.

The child remained lively and joyous, as a two year old should be, for the rest of his time with us.

So, when Duke needed somewhere to stay this summer I couldn’t refuse.

What If…..

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life lessons from the movie Frozen

6yr old Raine has been saying, “I’m never getting married!” IMG_20140609_170922

Recently I decided to ask her why – after explaining how wonderful the institution is.

“What if I marry someone who tries to kill me?” she inquired. What if……consumes Raine’s thoughts most of the day. There are so many things she’s curious about.

“You won’t marry someone who tries to kill you,” I assured.

“Anna did on Frozen.”

“Yes, but you won’t.”

A lengthy conversation ensued. By the end, Raine was satisfied that she won’t marry someone who tries to kill her.

“But I’m still not getting married!” she declared.

However, there have been a number of weddings recently involving her stuffed animals.

Progress!

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In the midst of Emma’s struggle, I got to the see the depth of Raine’s own inner 10370636_10201973164359631_28419392_nhealing. Normally last minute adjustments throw her off. After getting the call that Emma* was on her way for an unexpected sleep over, I wondered aloud, “Where will I put her?”

“She can have my room,” Raine quickly offered. Her room is not something she’s prone to sharing.

“Where will you sleep?” I asked.

“In Athena’s room.” At different points the girls have shared a room. Raine is driven crazy by the sound of her sister’s breathing. “It’s so loud!” she shouted to the the point I vowed they’d never share a room again.

But I was out of options. We had a lovely 2yr old boy with us. I’d put his crib in the room Emma normally uses.

The night didn’t go well. Athena had a hard time settling down with Emma carrying on in the hallway. Thankfully our little 2yr old visitor had no trouble falling asleep. I put Raine into his room.

Without any fuss she went. She actually went and was asleep in no time at all. This sort of unexpected shuffling is something that used to send Raine into a 10416734_10201973164239628_826267994_nstate similar to Emma’s. She would shout at me, kick the walls, throw things around. Friday, there was none of that.

Once Athena was asleep, I put Raine back into the spare bed in her sister’s room. When she woke, there was no upset. Happily the girls played together and continued to most of the day.

Not long ago Raine couldn’t manage interacting with anyone remotely close to her age. She did well with much younger or much older children who would let her dominate.

By no means has Raine lost her strong personality. That’s just who she is. But there’s a softening. Her need to control isn’t as prevalent as it once was. She’s learning to go with the flow. That’s immensely helpful in our unpredictable life.

Outside of the realm of foster care, there’s the last minute invitations to the park – like happened last Sunday. A friend invited us to the splash pad by her house. I’d promised the kids s’mores after dinner. But dinner ended up being drive thru from a burger joint. It was bedtime when we got home.
“But what about s’mores?” Athena asked.

“I had a choice to make – stay home and have s’mores or go to the park and see our friends,” was my answer.

“You made the right choice,” Raine commented, heading upstairs to bed.

In the past, an overwhelming sense of loss would have consumed her when realizing she’d missed out on something. We had s’mores the next day. I try to always keep my word. But the miracle is that Raine was able to flex with that change. It didn’t debilitate her like it once would.

The transformation has been slow and full of setbacks. Still, I’m rejoicing in how far we’ve come. My daughter is secure in my love for her and her place in our family. From that place of security, she’s able to move with the rhythm of life – adapting to the challenges and joys that come our way.

*name changed

There’s No Winner Here

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Friday evening 14yr old Emma* arrived on my doorstep. My friend, her foster mom of 5 1/2 yrs, brought her when things went from bad to worse at their home.

Having fetal alcohol syndrome and some intellectual delays, life is hard for Emma. Often her emotions spin out of control. Bringing her to me is a common occurrence. Usually she calms right down. I keep her overnight and her foster family has time to recover from the upset.

This time that didn’t work. When her foster mom left, Emma kept right on with the outburst she’d begun a few hours ago at home. She stomped the floors and slapped the walls. I tried to settle her in Raine’s room (normally there’s a spare room devoted to Emma, but we also had a visiting 2yr old boy who was occupying that room.) No doubt putting her in another bedroom fueled the fire raging inside of her. But there wasn’t any other choice. I’d already set up a crib for the physically delayed toddler. With Emma carrying on I couldn’t change everything around.

Refusing to go to the room assigned to her, Emma opted to sit in the living room while I put the other kids to bed. It took me a few minutes to realize the silence downstairs meant she was gone. By the time I untangled myself from the three little ones and got out the front door, Emma was no where to be seen.

I called her foster mom, who had a pretty good idea where she’d gone. Piling the very tired children into the car, we headed over to a nearby church. A friend of Emma’s had brought her to the youth group there a few times.

Thankfully there Emma was, outside the church because the doors were locked. She refused to get in the car. I pretended to drive away. Startled, she changed her mind and got in. Her attitude remained. During the drive home she repeatedly swore at me and spewed all kinds of hatred. “Because I don’t want to be at your house!” Emma explained. It’s not like I wanted her there either – at least not in that state.

When I told her not to swear at me. Emma responded, “I will. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” True. There’s nothing I can do. It’s a frustrating sense of powerlessness. This child is not mine. Nothing I say matters to her.

Back at my place, Emma settled herself in the front garden – refusing to come inside. At a loss, I called her foster mom. Normally I’m quite capable of managing Emma or any other child in my care. But this time it was all completely beyond me. Some stern words from her foster mom got Emma inside the house.

Then the real battle began. I put the other children back to bed. Emma stomped her feet in the hallway and punched the wall with a violence that made my pictures shake.

When I was done with the little ones, she got up in my face screaming about how much she hated me. This went on for over an hour. In the midst of it, I did get her into the room she would be using that night. Emma kicked the door so ferociously I was sure she’d put holes in it. But it remained in tack as did the walls she poured her anger out on.

Normally I just walk away, but with this being completely unlike Emma’s normal behaviour at my house, I kept close. Fear for the other kids mounted as she her anger increased. At this point she’d been raging for nearly 5hrs (mostly at her own home), breaking briefly for her walk to the church. It was late. I was worried and tired. I needed the noise and the violence to stop. But it didn’t. Emma kept going strong – coming out of the room and again aggressively confronting me.

My patience wore out. I couldn’t endure being bullied in my own home by a 14yr old. My voice was no longer kind nor were my words. Eventually Emma retreated to the bedroom.

She’s on a fair bit of medication which is supposed to save her from these moments. Perhaps the pills aren’t working, but I still wanted to get her nightly does in. That didn’t happen. Emma was wielding every bit of power she had.

While on the phone with the emergency after hours worker, Emma kicked my door in. I’d gone into my bedroom and locked the door. Her screaming and kicking was making it hard to hear the woman on the phone. Having access to my room, the girl just stood in the hallway shouting and punching the walls.

My door frame is broken. My nerves are shot. And now Emma’s saying that I attacked her which of course I did not.She, however, did slapped me during my initial retreat to my room. This is warranted in Emma’s mind. She’s completely beside herself with rage and panic all rolled into one big, ugly mess.

This is the result of a life in foster care. Arriving at the age of 2, Emma’s moved countless times. My friend is trying to keep going. It’s been 5 1/2 yrs. That’s miraculous for a child with FAS. The long term goal is holding out until Emma turns 18. But things are unraveling quickly. Not long ago, the teen ran away and called the police saying she felt unsafe in her foster home.

She’s safe. It’s those around Emma who aren’t safe. Her accusations could land my friend in jail. At the very least, it may lead to Emma and the two other foster children in the home being removed. The two sisters – 14 & 10yrs – have been with my friend nearly 4yrs and are doing well. The plan is for them to remain until 18. Emma’s antics could put them all in jeopardy.

I’ve told my friend it’s time to let go – especially after this weekend. Emma awoke Saturday with an incredible sense of triumph. She’d gotten away with leaving my house, speaking to me in a deplorable manner, slapping me, breaking my door, and refusing to take her pills. As far as she can see she’s won.

What Emma doesn’t realize is how much she’s loosing. For 5 1/2yrs she’s been part of our family – I’ve been like an aunt to her and her foster mom has been the same to my kids. Emma’s foster family, while not perfect, have cared for her with generosity and grace. They’ve welcomed her back after many such outbursts. But she doesn’t want to be there. Eventually Emma’s behaviour will get the result she’s seeking. She’ll be moved into a group home until she ages out of foster care.

It’s a tragedy. I am heart broken. At the same time, I’m encouraging my friend to make that move. My prayer is for Emma’s complete healing – that the Lord will restore her mind and heal the wounds tormenting her. I know that’s possible. I want that for Emma. How long can we wait for the miracle before we have to make choices based on the reality of here and now? It’s becoming impossible to have Emma around.

*name changed

Be Still

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Being a single stay at home mom affords some unique opportunities and challenges. After doing this for a few years, I’ve discovered meaningful connections are key for my success. I’m an introvert. My kids are generally in bed by 7pm. So I have evenings to myself. That really helps me recharge for the next day, but isn’t always enough.

So I make a point of connecting with at least one life-giving friend a week. This week, however, afforded me the opportunity to connect with 5 great friends in two short days.

Wednesday morning we arrived slightly late for story & craft time at Chapters. It was a struggle to get out the door. The night before, Athena destroyed the bathroom. Because I was downstairs working on the other bathroom, this went unnoticed until long after she was asleep. So first thing in the morning we chatted about the chunk she’d torn off the wall and the pieces of soap shoved down the drain. In to time out she went. It was not pleasant.

Then Raine decided she wouldn’t take her medication. As much as I understand, she really can’t function without it. After failing to find a pharmaceutical that works for her, we’ve found an herbal product that helps take the edge off without diminishing who Raine is.

I knew she wouldn’t be able to cope with out the medication. A lengthy battle ensued in which Raine told me she was leaving to return to her birth mom. “Because it’s so much better there!” Eventually, after the contents of one capsule was thrown around the kitchen, Raine complied.

We arrived in our nice dresses and I ordered myself some coffee. The day got better.

samples of chai tea! Athena's favourite

Samples of chai tea! Athena’s favourite.

“I can’t believe it,” my friend said when I relayed the story of our morning. “I never would have guessed.”

I am a firm believer in the beauty of adoption. The fact remains, parenting kids from hard places is hard. That doesn’t change my belief that it’s right, necessary, and worth it. The reality isn’t as lovely as we looked walking into Chapters Wednesday morning. That’s ok. My life is a beautiful mess as we navigate the experience of family that is uniquely ours.

IMG_20140604_113011

Raine, eying some interesting books.

Sipping coffee with my friend while my girls were enraptured by the story being read by the Chapter’s employee, gave me a chance to be still. The struggles of our morning faded away.

Last night, after the kids were “in bed”, another friend came by. There were a dozen reasons my normally compliant kids found to leave their rooms. Mainly they wanted to be part of the conversation going on in the living room. I let them say hello then sent them back to bed. When they settled, I got to pray with my friend – something that energizes my spirit. It was so refreshing to be still in the presence of the Lord.

This morning was another race. Up so late, the kids slept in. For the first time since becoming a mom 6yrs ago, I got out of bed at 8:30am. Normally it’s 6:30am or 7am if all goes well. Lovely – except we needed to be at the chiropractor’s for 9am. It was a rush. And Raine ended up on the floor of her bedroom crying that the capri’s I picked out were completely unsuitable. “It’s freezing outside!” she sobbed. “I’m going to freeze!”

Being perfect, I wouldn’t have let the looming appointment dictate how much time I spent consoling and convincing her. Far from perfect, I told her it would soon warm up outside and offered her some pants. That didn’t help. She kept crying, for reasons I didn’t quite catch as I tried to grab a couple of granola bars for the kids’ breakfast (to be eaten in the car).

We made it to the appointment, then went on to a park where I was having an informal business meeting with a friend. She was a little late, so Raine pushed Athena and I on a swing. I loved the chance to be still and let my body move with the rhythm of the swing.

Our meeting went long. The kids were playing so well, I didn’t notice the time.

Exhausted and happy after a day of play, the kids rested while I made dinner.

Exhausted and happy after a day of play, kids rested while I made dinner.

We rushed from there to a play date at an indoor playground with two other friends. The place, normally crowded, was completely empty. Our kids – six in total – loved it.

Normally, I’m somewhat nervous when Raine’s around kids & parents we aren’t familiar with. Sometimes her reactions are out of sync with what’s going on. Often she’s loud and bossy. Maybe no one else cares, but I worry. Not having any unknown kids or parents around I could be still and enjoy the conversation with my friends. It was blissful.

This is what helps me carry on – the moments I’m able to be still and drink in the company of a like minded, trusted friend. I’m so grateful for those the Lord has brought into my life – including the ones I didn’t manage to connect with this week.