Category Archives: healing

The Joy of Arrival

Posted on by

2

For me, becoming a mom has been a lot like getting to California. There was a decade of heart ache, disappointment, betrayal, loss, and grief before I arrived. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe your own journey hasn’t been all that smooth.

Still I arrived. And when I did instead of becoming easier life got a whole lot harder. I was finally living the call of God on my life. My mind knew that. But my spirit and soul were struggling. Some days were good. But most weren’t. I carried on. What else could I do?

I knew the pain from the journey to motherhood was holding me back from the joy of arrival. In the whirlwind of everyday life, there was never a good time to work through all that old stuff.

Being here in California, childfree, the Lord has my attention in a way that’s not possible at home. He’s taken full advantage of that opportunity. In the midst of jetlag, worry, and the residue of a complicated journey to our destination, the Lord has been unburdening me. We’ve revisited some key moments of heartache. His truth reframes them so when they hang on the wall of my life there isn’t the same pain.

Doing this sooner would have been better. I get that. I’m resisting the burden of guilt for not encountering Him ages ago. I could have. He’s always there – waiting. I should have. It would have made the past while much more life giving for my girls and me. I know. At least it’s done now.

There’s something about being here in California, a place I’ve always wanted to visit. There’s a freedom in not having the role of caregiver lingering around me. Even when my kids are asleep, with a babysitter, or in their class at church there’s a realization that at any moment I could be called upon to meet their needs – be their mom. That reality kept me from diving fully into healing my heart. It’s not a good reason. But it’s reality.

I won’t bore you with the details of how my heart got hurt along the way. It wasn’t one particular incident but a lot of big ones all put together. During worship at church on Sunday, Father God brought each to mind. He pointed out the pain I was still carrying and the lies I’d come to believe. Graciously, He spoke truth. Sometimes simple things like, “People make choices. Not always the right ones. But they make them.” He let me off the hook for some really bad choices people in my life had made. I let go of the shame I’d been carrying because their choices made me feel like I wasn’t all that loveable. If I was they would have chosen to build me up instead of tear me down. The cross came between me and those choices breaking the power of them in my life. That doesn’t change the fact that those were really bad choices people made that affected my life negatively. But it does release me from the pain of those choices. I still live in the reality of them. But I don’t have the carry the burden in my spirit and soul. I can move forward unhindered.

It’s amazing what the Lord can do when we take time to encounter Him. Getting here has been hard. But I’m glad I’m here – in California and in my life. I’m glad I pursued the call of God on my life. Being a mom was the dream He birthed in me 27yrs ago. It’s right that I’m here. It’s time to start living in the joy of arrival.

this is how we roll - fancy dresses while biking

this is how we roll – fancy dresses while biking

The Truth About Mother’s Day

Posted on by

3

Now that the fanfare’s over, let’s be honest. Mother’s Day can lightstock_82211_max_user_637824be hard for a lot of people for a lot of different reasons.

At breakfast Raine asked if I thought her birth mother was sad when she lost her. “I’m sure she was sad,” I answered. “Losing a child is very sad.”

“Do you think she cried?” was the next question. No doubt she did. She may even have been crying yesterday.

There are so many others who mourn on Mother’s Day – women who haven’t been able to have biological children. A friend in my teen years was adopted. Occasionally his mom and I would sit down for a cup of tea. I’ll never forget the day she broke down crying. She was completely devoted to her four adopted children. But there was still a sting that she hadn’t been able to give birth to them herself. Then there are women who have never obtained the title of mother in any form.

I read a post about one woman’s church asking moms to stand on Sunday. Flowers were given out in celebration of Mother’s Day. The past few years my church has given a donation to a charity caring for women in lieu of gifts on Mother’s Day. But when there were gifts, they went to all women over 18yrs. I remember the years of longing before I became a mom. I can imagine the sadness of being singled out on an already difficult day.

Then there’s the reality that, for some, there isn’t much to celebrate about their mothers. The truth is parents fail. Some in small ways, but others do so completely. Being a foster parent, I know this all too well. Not only do some parents fail to provide the love and security needed while their children grow up, they also fail to provide an example worth replicating. So, when grown, who do you turn to for advice? Who do you imitate as you raise your own kids? Besides being nothing like your parents, how do you know you’re doing a good job?

If your mom’s failed in big ways, a day celebrating her might just be too much. That’s the truth.

So if you know of someone in any of these situations, maybe next year ask them or the Lord how you can ease the pain of Mother’s Day. As glorious as it is for many, the day falls short of happy for more people than you realize. This year, for the first time, we were able to move past the pain and enjoy being a family. Praying for you if that wasn’t the case. Praying the God of all comfort will wrap you in His arms. Let Him reveal to you, the truth that you are loved.

Happy Mother’s Day

Posted on by

0

 

a recent message from Raine

a recent message from Raine

This is the first time I’m celebrating as only an adoptive mom, not a foster mom. That’s how I first gained the title – mom. Being a foster mom is beautiful and challenging all at once. I didn’t realize how different it would feel becoming an adoptive mom to kids I already loved. It’s been a transition for all of us.

I wonder how my daughters will see their childhood from the vantage of adulthood. What kind of mother will they remember me as?

Although united by the title of “mom”, each of us uniquely defines that relationship.

For me, I tend to get caught up on the natural. I make sure my kids are well dressed, well fed, and live in a nice home. In a way, this helps heal the wounds they still bear from early life. I’ve created a place of stability and comfort to help heal.

There are times I fail in other areas. Sometimes I don’t respond with grace. Sometimes I don’t savour the beauty of the moment we’re in. Sometimes I wish they would just stop talking. I forget how exceptional it is that my daughters adore me and want to interact with me. They crave the love in my gaze. They want to make me smile. They seek to bring me joy.

“This is all I have for you,” Raine said sadly, handing me a folded piece of paper.

A dear friend worked with the girls to give me a lovely potted flower arrangement. But since Raine didn’t buy or create it herself, she doesn’t count that as a proper Mother’s Day gift.

“Your love is all I need,” was my answer.

“Well, you have that,” Raine happily replied.

Raine & Athena on Good Friday modeling the sweaters I made them

Raine & Athena on Good Friday modeling the sweaters I made them

Loss

Posted on by

1

Yesterday at church Raine did not fare well. On our way to the JK/SK class, we

Raine excited to go to church

Raine excited to go to church

ran into her teacher from school. Although homeschooling is doing a world of good, taking Raine out of public school has caused her to suffer another round of loss. She misses her teacher and the other students. But she wasn’t able to function there.

With a fresh reminder of that loss, Raine refused to conform. In her class, she rolled around on the floor, unresponsive to the teacher. Our church’s preschool director is a former foster parent and retired school teacher. He’s quite patient with Raine. So I was surprised to find him marching her over to me before the service began.

I had a talk with my daughter about listening to her teachers. She committed to the idea. But half way through the pastor’s sermon, her number flashed up on the big screen.

In the hallway she waited for me. The preschool director’s daughter informed me, “I’m not sure why she’s out here.”

I took her upstairs to the bathroom – because I’d forgotten to have her go before we left the house not for the reason my mom used to take me back when spanking was acceptable. Turns out I was too late. Raine had already peed her pants. For some reason the dress she was wearing hid it well.

“Pastor Michelle is leaving,” she informed me.

Aware that our children’s pastor has resigned, I’d discussed the imminent change with Raine earlier that week.

“They wanted us to make pictures for her. But I’m not.”

With gusto, Raine had refused. She ran around the classroom and rolled on the floor. The last straw was when she locked herself in the bathroom and kept the water running for over 10mis. Despite being told to, she did not exit in a timely manner.

a museum visit Sunday afternoon

a museum visit Sunday afternoon

Some losses are necessary, inevitable, and even beneficial. But that doesn’t alleviate the pain. Raine doesn’t know the children’s pastor very well. Likely the loss is reminding her of many other losses. In six short years Raine has suffered a great deal.

So later when Tim Horton’s didn’t have any gluten free macaroons, I let her have a donut with the other kids. She bore the wheat pretty well (since January 1st she’s been completely off wheat, before that she only had it on rare occasions when out for Chinese). Our night wasn’t any worse than I was expecting given our off morning.

“Maybe Jesus has healed me and I can have wheat again,” Raine said when she made it through today without any meltdowns. Normally a bit of wheat will upset her for days.

With her doing well, we managed to get out today to get some stain for the deck. Raine picked out wildflower and watermelon seeds. She’s aware that I’m trying to blog daily and wanted everyone to know about her seeds. She’s very excited.

Her ability to recover is improving. For that I’m grateful.

Raine's 1st donut since June 2013.

Raine’s 1st donut since September 2013.

Happy Easter

Posted on by

0

But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.

Romans 8:11 (NKJV)

The same Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in my family. His power may appear, to the natural eye, somewhat less dramatic than Christ’s resurrection. But in the case of my girls, He’s brought them from death to life in a marked way. In truth, every one of us requires His resurrection. Our own hearts are dead with sin until He gains access. Thankfully, I encountered Jesus early on. The same is true of my daughters. Holy Spirit is at work in their hearts.

Raine quickly took hold of her sister when I was snapping pictures and said, WP_001125“Hug!” That is a small miracle. For a long time she’s resented Athena. But Raine’s heart is turning towards her sister as the Lord brings life to the deepest part of her.

Today my parents are taking the girls for their first sleepover. It’s been a slow process for Athena to connect to her adopted grandparents. Two weeks ago, she suddenly announced, “We should go to Grandma & Grandpa’s to sleep!” I contacted my mom and we set up a plan. When Athena realized I wasn’t going, she burst into tears. But when the time came today she couldn’t contain her excitement. With incredible joy she climbed into my dad’s truck. My mom’s promised to bring Athena home if at any point she becomes upset. I don’t think that’ll be necessary. With some time to get used to the idea, Athena is happy to go. It’s a small miracle. Where fear once resided, the Spirit is bringing confidence and courage.

I am grateful to have the Spirit who raised Christ at work in my life. I am grateful for a Saviour who brings me alive to Himself.

It stands to reason, doesn’t it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he’ll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself?

Romans 8:11 (The Message)