The Joy of Arrival

Posted on by

2

For me, becoming a mom has been a lot like getting to California. There was a decade of heart ache, disappointment, betrayal, loss, and grief before I arrived. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe your own journey hasn’t been all that smooth.

Still I arrived. And when I did instead of becoming easier life got a whole lot harder. I was finally living the call of God on my life. My mind knew that. But my spirit and soul were struggling. Some days were good. But most weren’t. I carried on. What else could I do?

I knew the pain from the journey to motherhood was holding me back from the joy of arrival. In the whirlwind of everyday life, there was never a good time to work through all that old stuff.

Being here in California, childfree, the Lord has my attention in a way that’s not possible at home. He’s taken full advantage of that opportunity. In the midst of jetlag, worry, and the residue of a complicated journey to our destination, the Lord has been unburdening me. We’ve revisited some key moments of heartache. His truth reframes them so when they hang on the wall of my life there isn’t the same pain.

Doing this sooner would have been better. I get that. I’m resisting the burden of guilt for not encountering Him ages ago. I could have. He’s always there – waiting. I should have. It would have made the past while much more life giving for my girls and me. I know. At least it’s done now.

There’s something about being here in California, a place I’ve always wanted to visit. There’s a freedom in not having the role of caregiver lingering around me. Even when my kids are asleep, with a babysitter, or in their class at church there’s a realization that at any moment I could be called upon to meet their needs – be their mom. That reality kept me from diving fully into healing my heart. It’s not a good reason. But it’s reality.

I won’t bore you with the details of how my heart got hurt along the way. It wasn’t one particular incident but a lot of big ones all put together. During worship at church on Sunday, Father God brought each to mind. He pointed out the pain I was still carrying and the lies I’d come to believe. Graciously, He spoke truth. Sometimes simple things like, “People make choices. Not always the right ones. But they make them.” He let me off the hook for some really bad choices people in my life had made. I let go of the shame I’d been carrying because their choices made me feel like I wasn’t all that loveable. If I was they would have chosen to build me up instead of tear me down. The cross came between me and those choices breaking the power of them in my life. That doesn’t change the fact that those were really bad choices people made that affected my life negatively. But it does release me from the pain of those choices. I still live in the reality of them. But I don’t have the carry the burden in my spirit and soul. I can move forward unhindered.

It’s amazing what the Lord can do when we take time to encounter Him. Getting here has been hard. But I’m glad I’m here – in California and in my life. I’m glad I pursued the call of God on my life. Being a mom was the dream He birthed in me 27yrs ago. It’s right that I’m here. It’s time to start living in the joy of arrival.

this is how we roll - fancy dresses while biking

this is how we roll – fancy dresses while biking

Beyond Distraction

Posted on by

2

tumblr_ma7w0zlXKG1rbdwhvo1_500Our journey to California wasn’t fun. Worry settled on my friend and me before we even got to the airport. It shouldn’t have been there. We both knew that but couldn’t shake it. I worried about my kids. She worried about our training. Trying to talk ourselves out of it didn’t work. Half-heartedly proclaimed truth didn’t help.

Time dragged on and on. There were two flights that brought us, finally, to Sacramento. We’d prepaid for a car rental only to discover a glitch. That can’t be fixed until the rental company’s head office opens today. So we had to pay double the first amount to get a different car with a different rental company. Traveling on a tight budget this soured us further.

Exhausted we began a 2.5hr drive north. It was 11pm in Sacramento, 2am our time. My friend drove as long as she could, radio and air conditioning blaring. Then it was my turn. The directions the kindhearted guy at the rental company gave us were incorrect. We ended up in the middle of nowhere instead of the apartment we were staying at.

It was 2am when we finally arrived at our final destination – 5am our time. We’d

left our homes at noon the day before. 17hrs of travel without factoring in the time change. We greeted our host and collapsed in the beds she’d prepared for us.

Later that morning we got up – still tired, still discouraged, still wondering why we bothered to make this trek. We went to Sunday service at the church where we’ll be doing our prayer training this week.

My home church is amazing. There’s nowhere else I want to be. Every week I encounter God in a real way. The church out here carries the same DNA. I knew going in I’d meet with God. But I didn’t anticipate the depth of that encounter. At home, each kid is assigned a number. If there are any problems with them in children’s church, the number appears on the media screen. Being a mom, my eyes only close for a moment or two as I worship. It’s rare, but my kids’ numbers have shown up on the screen. I didn’t realize how much watching for the unlikely event of that number appearing distracts me during worship. Then, when service is done, I rush downstairs to pick up my kids. There’s no time for me to linger for prayer. My kids become distraught when they’re nearly last to be picked up from their class. There’s a lingering fear that I might just disappear from their life like some many other people have.

Yesterday, at church, there were no numbers to watch for and no children to be picked up. For the first time since becoming a mom 6yrs ago, I was able to fully focus on what God wanted to accomplish in me. There were no distractions, no assignments competing for my attention. I love my kids. I love being a mom. The Lord meets with me in the limitations of my God-given assignment. But there’s something so exhilarating in getting beyond distractions to encounter Him fully.

The Lord has presented Himself as a husband in my life. Becoming parents, our relationship has transformed. To be precise, my availability has transformed. There are legitimate demands on my time. God knows that. He doesn’t fault me for it. But now that He’s gotten me away from all of that, He was able to speak to me without distractions or interruptions.

For that conversation I had to fight through extreme fatigue, worry, frustration, and so many other emotions that came along with me on my journey or as a result of my journey. I’m so thankful that the Lord pushed past all of that in search of my heart.

When next we meet I’ll let you know what that God encounter looked like. Thanks for checking in for this leg of the journey.

On My Way

Posted on by

1

Last night I couldn’t sleep. My mind raced with everything yet to be done.

sipping coffee from my California mug (a gift from a friend after her recent trip)

sipping coffee from my California mug (a gift from a friend after her recent trip)

This morning I woke frightfully early, pulled myself out of bed and got to work. At 11am I leave for 6 days in California. Since becoming a mom my trips have been brief – I’ve not been away from my kids for more than a weekend – and primarily within Canada.

I’m excited to be going somewhere completely new. California has always been on my list of places to visit. A lover of old movies, many times I’ve watched characters drive along the coast and long to do the same. My reason for being in California relates to prayer training. The city I’m headed to is very far from the coast. But hopefully we can fit that in at

my favourite tulips grown along side Queen of the Night black tulips. A stunning pair.

my favourite tulips grown along side Queen of the Night black tulips. A stunning pair.

some point.

My bags are packed. I used to bring an excessive amount of reading material with me whenever I travelled. This time it’s electronics. A GPS, tablet, laptop with exterior fan (since it keeps overheating), and a cellphone are all coming with me. The book I recently began reading is not. It’s a frail paperback printed in the 1960’s not up for the trip. I’m combing through my vast supply of well-loved novels looking for something else to bring. Despite all the technology, I still like a story before bed. And there’s nothing comparable to the look and feel of an actual book.

Some tulips have burst forth to bid me farewell. My daughter, Raine, is

a burst of purple to herald the soon coming lilacs

a burst of purple to herald the soon coming lilacs

ever so excited. “You’re not missing it all,” she shouts when we pass by blossoming tress or the tulips show a bit of colour in the mass of green.

There are a great deal of things being left undone, like weeding the garden. But there are limited hours in the day. Knowing that I’m going, my girls have been quite out of sorts and, therefore, demanding my full attention.

I won’t have any fun stories to share about them this week. But watch for a guest post from my friend who is staying with them. That’s sure to be entertaining. She has a knack for catching the comedy of the situation. Too often I get caught up in the details, like getting dinner on the table or another load of laundry put away.

Well, the children are starting to stir. I still need to print my boarding pass among other things. See you tomorrow in California!

What’s in a Name?

Posted on by

2

William-Shakespeare-quote-530x256

It’s Thursday and time for an adoption process update. I don’t have anything new to share. I’ve been busy getting ready for my trip among other things.

Since I don’t have a progress report, let’s explore an adoption issue. Names. Adopting an older child from foster care limits one’s options. For me that’s been challenging. I am a connoisseur of names. One of my first purchases as a teenager was a baby name book. I’ve carried it with me all these years. Whenever I meet someone, I check to see the meaning of their name.

Since childhood I’ve had a list entitled, “What I Want to Name My Kids.” Over the years the list has changed and evolved. The main criteria is names that are uncommon with a meaning that resonates with me.

Looking forward to adopting again, I’d love to be able to choose one of my children’s names. I have a revised list ready. There are several selections for boys and girls depending on the child’s personality and/or given name.

I love my daughter’s names. They never appeared on my list – but are lovely and meet my criteria. Because of the spelling of Raine’s name it means queen. Athena means wisdom. Both of those concepts have great meaning for me. When I met with their birth mom last year, I asked why she’d chosen their names. The question surprised her. Apparently she hadn’t given much thought to the reasons.

Since my girls were young and accepting, I was able to choose middle names for them. That was lots of fun. Still, there’s a lingering desire to select a first name. If it doesn’t happen, I will survived. I can continue to name companies, books, and characters I write about. That might have to suffice. We shall see.

Packing My Bags

Posted on by

0

This Saturday I’m heading to California for 6 days. It’s the longest I’ve ever been away from my girls. Even when they were foster children and I was entitled to 3wks vacation time, I never left them for more than a couple of days.

I’m feeling nervous, but the time away will do me good. A friend and I are traveling to get some further training in a prayer ministry we’re part of at church. It’ll be fun. I keep saying that, but I’m not quite sure.

I worry about being away for so long. My friend is coming to stay with Raine and Athena. They know and love her. It should be fine. IMG_20140514_202806

We’ll see……I need to get packing. I’m being cheered on by daffodils we picked from the garden today. Since becoming a mom, I’ve turned into quite the homebody. Maybe I already was to a certain degree. But in the past I would have jumped at the chance to travel to California. Now I’d rather stay home and watch my tulips bloom. Spring has been really late here and thus far daffodils are all I have.

I’m hoping to have time to blog while away, but don’t worry if you don’t hear from me daily. Think of me having fun – childfree with a great friend in the amazing state of California!