Category Archives: adoption

Father’s Day – Celebrating what We Have

Posted on by

1

 

Today is father’s day. It’s true – my girls don’t have an earthly father. As Athena is quick to point out, “we have God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit. That’s three!!” More than the average kid.

Our life is wonderfully unusual, I know. Intentionally I chose to become a single mom. I’m ok with that. And so are my kids. Since their arrival, I’ve been it – the only parent around. To us it’s just the way it is.

Of course in a perfect world, I would have married when I was young and the foster children who come to me would be greeted by a lovely mom & dad. That didn’t happen. I’m grateful God isn’t hung up on perfection. He’s willing to bend the rules. In doing so He brought me two delightful girls that I get to keep forever.

Today I’m focusing on what my kids have instead of what they don’t.

They have a mom who loves them. Even though I fail repeatedly, I’m not giving up on them or myself. Relationships aren’t easy. Each is an opportunity to grow in grace and compassion. I’m making the most of every opportunity!

My girls have a great community who love them. We’re surrounded by other families and individuals who come alongside us. My daughters have friends they’re growing up with – something that was and is a very special part of my own life.

My own family have embraced Raine & Athena. It’s hard to believe that some extended families don’t welcome adopted children. Sadly, this can be the case – especially when the children come broken and, at times, resistant to love. Thankfully my parents, siblings, and their spouses have all welcomed the addition of my children.

My daughters have a stable home life. They lack no good thing (Psalm 34:10). The Lord has provided a beautiful home and the necessary finances to keep us afloat. He’s opened the doors for me to be home full-time with my kids. This means the world to them and me.

Most importantly, my daughters have a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for them. They live in abundance – lacking nothing.

Still-Saturday-Psalm-23

Progress!

Posted on by

1

In the midst of Emma’s struggle, I got to the see the depth of Raine’s own inner 10370636_10201973164359631_28419392_nhealing. Normally last minute adjustments throw her off. After getting the call that Emma* was on her way for an unexpected sleep over, I wondered aloud, “Where will I put her?”

“She can have my room,” Raine quickly offered. Her room is not something she’s prone to sharing.

“Where will you sleep?” I asked.

“In Athena’s room.” At different points the girls have shared a room. Raine is driven crazy by the sound of her sister’s breathing. “It’s so loud!” she shouted to the the point I vowed they’d never share a room again.

But I was out of options. We had a lovely 2yr old boy with us. I’d put his crib in the room Emma normally uses.

The night didn’t go well. Athena had a hard time settling down with Emma carrying on in the hallway. Thankfully our little 2yr old visitor had no trouble falling asleep. I put Raine into his room.

Without any fuss she went. She actually went and was asleep in no time at all. This sort of unexpected shuffling is something that used to send Raine into a 10416734_10201973164239628_826267994_nstate similar to Emma’s. She would shout at me, kick the walls, throw things around. Friday, there was none of that.

Once Athena was asleep, I put Raine back into the spare bed in her sister’s room. When she woke, there was no upset. Happily the girls played together and continued to most of the day.

Not long ago Raine couldn’t manage interacting with anyone remotely close to her age. She did well with much younger or much older children who would let her dominate.

By no means has Raine lost her strong personality. That’s just who she is. But there’s a softening. Her need to control isn’t as prevalent as it once was. She’s learning to go with the flow. That’s immensely helpful in our unpredictable life.

Outside of the realm of foster care, there’s the last minute invitations to the park – like happened last Sunday. A friend invited us to the splash pad by her house. I’d promised the kids s’mores after dinner. But dinner ended up being drive thru from a burger joint. It was bedtime when we got home.
“But what about s’mores?” Athena asked.

“I had a choice to make – stay home and have s’mores or go to the park and see our friends,” was my answer.

“You made the right choice,” Raine commented, heading upstairs to bed.

In the past, an overwhelming sense of loss would have consumed her when realizing she’d missed out on something. We had s’mores the next day. I try to always keep my word. But the miracle is that Raine was able to flex with that change. It didn’t debilitate her like it once would.

The transformation has been slow and full of setbacks. Still, I’m rejoicing in how far we’ve come. My daughter is secure in my love for her and her place in our family. From that place of security, she’s able to move with the rhythm of life – adapting to the challenges and joys that come our way.

*name changed

Be Still

Posted on by

0

Being a single stay at home mom affords some unique opportunities and challenges. After doing this for a few years, I’ve discovered meaningful connections are key for my success. I’m an introvert. My kids are generally in bed by 7pm. So I have evenings to myself. That really helps me recharge for the next day, but isn’t always enough.

So I make a point of connecting with at least one life-giving friend a week. This week, however, afforded me the opportunity to connect with 5 great friends in two short days.

Wednesday morning we arrived slightly late for story & craft time at Chapters. It was a struggle to get out the door. The night before, Athena destroyed the bathroom. Because I was downstairs working on the other bathroom, this went unnoticed until long after she was asleep. So first thing in the morning we chatted about the chunk she’d torn off the wall and the pieces of soap shoved down the drain. In to time out she went. It was not pleasant.

Then Raine decided she wouldn’t take her medication. As much as I understand, she really can’t function without it. After failing to find a pharmaceutical that works for her, we’ve found an herbal product that helps take the edge off without diminishing who Raine is.

I knew she wouldn’t be able to cope with out the medication. A lengthy battle ensued in which Raine told me she was leaving to return to her birth mom. “Because it’s so much better there!” Eventually, after the contents of one capsule was thrown around the kitchen, Raine complied.

We arrived in our nice dresses and I ordered myself some coffee. The day got better.

samples of chai tea! Athena's favourite

Samples of chai tea! Athena’s favourite.

“I can’t believe it,” my friend said when I relayed the story of our morning. “I never would have guessed.”

I am a firm believer in the beauty of adoption. The fact remains, parenting kids from hard places is hard. That doesn’t change my belief that it’s right, necessary, and worth it. The reality isn’t as lovely as we looked walking into Chapters Wednesday morning. That’s ok. My life is a beautiful mess as we navigate the experience of family that is uniquely ours.

IMG_20140604_113011

Raine, eying some interesting books.

Sipping coffee with my friend while my girls were enraptured by the story being read by the Chapter’s employee, gave me a chance to be still. The struggles of our morning faded away.

Last night, after the kids were “in bed”, another friend came by. There were a dozen reasons my normally compliant kids found to leave their rooms. Mainly they wanted to be part of the conversation going on in the living room. I let them say hello then sent them back to bed. When they settled, I got to pray with my friend – something that energizes my spirit. It was so refreshing to be still in the presence of the Lord.

This morning was another race. Up so late, the kids slept in. For the first time since becoming a mom 6yrs ago, I got out of bed at 8:30am. Normally it’s 6:30am or 7am if all goes well. Lovely – except we needed to be at the chiropractor’s for 9am. It was a rush. And Raine ended up on the floor of her bedroom crying that the capri’s I picked out were completely unsuitable. “It’s freezing outside!” she sobbed. “I’m going to freeze!”

Being perfect, I wouldn’t have let the looming appointment dictate how much time I spent consoling and convincing her. Far from perfect, I told her it would soon warm up outside and offered her some pants. That didn’t help. She kept crying, for reasons I didn’t quite catch as I tried to grab a couple of granola bars for the kids’ breakfast (to be eaten in the car).

We made it to the appointment, then went on to a park where I was having an informal business meeting with a friend. She was a little late, so Raine pushed Athena and I on a swing. I loved the chance to be still and let my body move with the rhythm of the swing.

Our meeting went long. The kids were playing so well, I didn’t notice the time.

Exhausted and happy after a day of play, the kids rested while I made dinner.

Exhausted and happy after a day of play, kids rested while I made dinner.

We rushed from there to a play date at an indoor playground with two other friends. The place, normally crowded, was completely empty. Our kids – six in total – loved it.

Normally, I’m somewhat nervous when Raine’s around kids & parents we aren’t familiar with. Sometimes her reactions are out of sync with what’s going on. Often she’s loud and bossy. Maybe no one else cares, but I worry. Not having any unknown kids or parents around I could be still and enjoy the conversation with my friends. It was blissful.

This is what helps me carry on – the moments I’m able to be still and drink in the company of a like minded, trusted friend. I’m so grateful for those the Lord has brought into my life – including the ones I didn’t manage to connect with this week.

 

 

The Joy of Arrival

Posted on by

2

For me, becoming a mom has been a lot like getting to California. There was a decade of heart ache, disappointment, betrayal, loss, and grief before I arrived. Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Maybe your own journey hasn’t been all that smooth.

Still I arrived. And when I did instead of becoming easier life got a whole lot harder. I was finally living the call of God on my life. My mind knew that. But my spirit and soul were struggling. Some days were good. But most weren’t. I carried on. What else could I do?

I knew the pain from the journey to motherhood was holding me back from the joy of arrival. In the whirlwind of everyday life, there was never a good time to work through all that old stuff.

Being here in California, childfree, the Lord has my attention in a way that’s not possible at home. He’s taken full advantage of that opportunity. In the midst of jetlag, worry, and the residue of a complicated journey to our destination, the Lord has been unburdening me. We’ve revisited some key moments of heartache. His truth reframes them so when they hang on the wall of my life there isn’t the same pain.

Doing this sooner would have been better. I get that. I’m resisting the burden of guilt for not encountering Him ages ago. I could have. He’s always there – waiting. I should have. It would have made the past while much more life giving for my girls and me. I know. At least it’s done now.

There’s something about being here in California, a place I’ve always wanted to visit. There’s a freedom in not having the role of caregiver lingering around me. Even when my kids are asleep, with a babysitter, or in their class at church there’s a realization that at any moment I could be called upon to meet their needs – be their mom. That reality kept me from diving fully into healing my heart. It’s not a good reason. But it’s reality.

I won’t bore you with the details of how my heart got hurt along the way. It wasn’t one particular incident but a lot of big ones all put together. During worship at church on Sunday, Father God brought each to mind. He pointed out the pain I was still carrying and the lies I’d come to believe. Graciously, He spoke truth. Sometimes simple things like, “People make choices. Not always the right ones. But they make them.” He let me off the hook for some really bad choices people in my life had made. I let go of the shame I’d been carrying because their choices made me feel like I wasn’t all that loveable. If I was they would have chosen to build me up instead of tear me down. The cross came between me and those choices breaking the power of them in my life. That doesn’t change the fact that those were really bad choices people made that affected my life negatively. But it does release me from the pain of those choices. I still live in the reality of them. But I don’t have the carry the burden in my spirit and soul. I can move forward unhindered.

It’s amazing what the Lord can do when we take time to encounter Him. Getting here has been hard. But I’m glad I’m here – in California and in my life. I’m glad I pursued the call of God on my life. Being a mom was the dream He birthed in me 27yrs ago. It’s right that I’m here. It’s time to start living in the joy of arrival.

this is how we roll - fancy dresses while biking

this is how we roll – fancy dresses while biking

What’s in a Name?

Posted on by

2

William-Shakespeare-quote-530x256

It’s Thursday and time for an adoption process update. I don’t have anything new to share. I’ve been busy getting ready for my trip among other things.

Since I don’t have a progress report, let’s explore an adoption issue. Names. Adopting an older child from foster care limits one’s options. For me that’s been challenging. I am a connoisseur of names. One of my first purchases as a teenager was a baby name book. I’ve carried it with me all these years. Whenever I meet someone, I check to see the meaning of their name.

Since childhood I’ve had a list entitled, “What I Want to Name My Kids.” Over the years the list has changed and evolved. The main criteria is names that are uncommon with a meaning that resonates with me.

Looking forward to adopting again, I’d love to be able to choose one of my children’s names. I have a revised list ready. There are several selections for boys and girls depending on the child’s personality and/or given name.

I love my daughter’s names. They never appeared on my list – but are lovely and meet my criteria. Because of the spelling of Raine’s name it means queen. Athena means wisdom. Both of those concepts have great meaning for me. When I met with their birth mom last year, I asked why she’d chosen their names. The question surprised her. Apparently she hadn’t given much thought to the reasons.

Since my girls were young and accepting, I was able to choose middle names for them. That was lots of fun. Still, there’s a lingering desire to select a first name. If it doesn’t happen, I will survived. I can continue to name companies, books, and characters I write about. That might have to suffice. We shall see.